No, don't vote...

April 11, 2014, 9:23 am

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Its that time of the decade when politicians make hefty withdrawals from their secret Swiss accounts.
Its that time of the decade when the EC will seize mind-boggling sums of money, liquor and anything else the 'people' might need.
Its that time of the decade when laptop, mixer-grinder manufacturers and other businessmen will court the politicians.
Its that time of the decade (apart from diwali) when cracker manufacturers love. Double Bonanza!
Its that time of the decade when you will hear political fiction and fables.
Its that time of the decade when manifestos will be embellished by underpaid content writers and out of job copywriters.
Its that time of the decade when roads get a fresh coat of asphalt. Feast your eyes on them while they last. 
Its that time of the decade when you will see your politicians up close and personal. Remember to take their autographs. 

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, its time for the biggest song and dance routine in the largest democracy of the planet - The Great Indian Circus.

Interestingly, this time there are a lot of things that are different.
Call it the influence of our Arab cousins, we have become disenchanted and disgruntled. 
Corruption is no longer a closet topic and depending on who your daddy is, you'll either support it or defend it.

But like in everything else, we are very hypocritical too.
Ask around and chances are you will hear not many people are willing to vote.
Why? 'Because it won't make a difference'. 

When youngsters say this, I am flummoxed. When older people say this, I am exasperated. I remember that time when I lost my school captaincy elections by just 2 votes, and I begin to tell them how every single vote counts, but I am soon drowned out by their 'voice of reason'.

We all like it when we are handed out favors, when our bosses hear our suggestions (and when they are implemented), when our landlords listen to our complaints and act on them, when our apartment associations value our inputs (and our votes), when the local grocer gives us a little extra rice for that rupee you pay because you are regular, when we are rewarded for our performance at work after having worked for it. 

So when we love all this, why do we hate voting for our country so much?
Which part of the 'Corruption, Quit India' did you not like?

While many are celebrating how 100 million voters will vote for the first time, I ask what is the rest of the billion doing? Surely, we have more than 100 million who have chosen not to participate in the democratic dance this time too. 

Vote for the general elections this year, because this is probably the only ballot that will matter. 
Your apartment association cannot fix the creaking infrastructure. 
Your say in corporate affairs will probably earn you more, but if you don't vote, you're allowing the next batch of political scumbags to loot you of every last paise that you earn.
Your grocer might like you, but unless you choose the right politician, you will end up paying more for less. 

If you are still not convinced that you need to vote, I won't force you.
Cherish these final days where you could still read and write stuff like this.
Remember the days when petrol cost you just Rs25/litre.
When you could live an entire month with just Rs 15,000....
I could go on but you get the drift, right?

Get out and vote.
This is the time of the decade when you decide how your country and everything around you will be for the next 5 years. 
Make it count. 

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While you were gone, that's how the cookie crumbled in April 2014 [Part 1]

May 11, 2014, 6:40 am

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Pause Life. The biggest political event in the planet is taking place.

Our politicians had their regular bout of verbal diarrhea. Mulayam Singh helpfully pointed out that rapists should not be hung because boys will be boys. Gee! I wish they'd just buy a car or something and not rape women, but whatever.

This was the season, many of our leaders got slapped, slippered and painted. 

Azam Khan forgot his insanity pills and determined that Kargil martyrs were Muslims. Next year, we'll pack him off to Biggg Brother. Let's see how he will handle all the racism there.

Bad news for those hard working Bangladeshis doing jobs that you and I won't touch with a barge pole - If Modi comes to the throne, they better start packing up. 

Manmohanji was in the news for all the wrong reasons. Again. This time a former Media Adviser released a book 'The Accidental Prime Minister' that told us pretty much all that I've been telling you all along. 
His half brother (sounds like Harry Potter) joined the BJP. Can someone please tell me how effective an 'half-brother' will be? Will he be only half as silent? 

Finally, Vadra is the flavor of the season. My Advice, Vadraji: Get out of India, pronto.

AAP conveniently missed LGBT reforms in its manifesto. What gives Kejriwal?

With more stardust than before, this election was the perfect time to watch your favorite out of job movie stars in person. Loyal constituents decided to press themselves and Nagma got the touch.

As we make headlines and break records, let's choose the lesser evil and hope to God that we survive the next 10 years. 

But if you are one of the millions who didn't vote, then STFU and watch IPL. The only sports event where you'll see Russian and Croatian cheerleaders wearing leggings underneath gaudy skirts waving the shit out of pom poms. 

And while we are still talking about them, can someone please pay the Royal Challengers Bangalore cheerleaders a little extra? The way they have to do their odd pelvic gyrations every time Chris Gayle hits the ball into the next zipcode, they deserve the extra pay.

But the season didn't start as cheerfully. India lost the ICC Twenty20 championship to Srilanka rather meekly. 

The way Chennai SuperKings have been playing the league matches, it looks like Srini Saar has not been paying the players enough. What's up, Srini?
If you ask me, I'd say - legalize betting. All this hullabaloo about betting is like asking children not to copy in an open-book test. Not.Gonna.Happen.

Across the pond, studies showed 1700 American teens are becoming mothers every week. Durex clearly isn't doing its job. Maybe they need to conduct free hysterectomy procedures?

A bomb killed 23 in Islamabad and a knife wielding student stabbed 20 students in the US. Didn't even make it to the headlines here.
One dirty bomb kills 1 in Chennai. Suddenly everyone loses their mind.

The SC handed down the death penalty to the 3 bastards who partook of the rapes in Shakthi Mills, Mumbai last year. You want to know who else the SC doesn't want to live? The Rajiv Gandhi assassins. The Fat Lady proposed, SC disposed. 

Oh but there was a fair bit of sunshine too. Apparently, with the added incentive of polls round the corner, the SC ruled that the government must recognize the 'third gender'. Bobby Darling, I hear, is very happy.

The business conglomerate Sahara was asked to deposit Rs 10,000 cr as bail if they want their rags-to-riches boss out of prison. Last we heard, they have about Rs 5000 cr ready cash money and wanted time for the rest. Blah! The SC behaved like a truant warlord and said: 'No part payment. Get the 10k now or stay in prison'. 

Mush seems to be really lucky nowadays. What, after losing the elections, surviving a major heart attack, he seemed to have lived through yet another assassination attempt. Charmed Life, I say!

Talking about penny-wise, pound foolish, American car major GM decided to save $1 per car instead of changing the design of a critical car component that resulted in 13 deaths. See, this is why the Indians will always remain the kings (and queens) of thrift.

Heading to Brazil? Want to cheap place to stay? Try the 'Tower of David'.

Right on the heels of namma Microsoft CEO, we now have another local boy from Manipal become the Nokia CEO. So after Jaguar Land Rover, Microsoft and now Nokia, we are all set to take over the world.

Need ideas on home-improvement? Take cues from a local BJP minister who just spent Rs2 crore of our money decorating his ministerial bungalow with 15 split air conditioners, porcelain for the shit-pot and various other gadgets that will make Bill Gate's home look like a low cost garage.

Meanwhile, the Pakistani Electricity Board cracked the whips and even the Pakistani PM is sweating bullets. Moral: Pay your bills on time.

The IOC put up their hands in exasperation and declared how the Olympic preparations in Rio are the worst in history. Surely, they haven't seen Kalmadiji at work.

In other news, remember to change your passwords. A computer genius inadvertently released a bug (appropriately named #Heartburn) that created a trapdoor that made countless secure webpages vulnerable giving a hacker the chance to steal invaluable data. See, that's why you should tattoo all your passwords.

Ramesh Agrawal. Green Nobel prize winner and true Hero. No selfies. No one knows.

After what seemed like an eternity, the Indian LCA went supersonic. Bah!
Toyota made history by recalling 6.4 million vehicles globally. So much for Japanese quality. 

IT workers in France can not refuse to answer their boss's phone call and emails after 6 pm. Now, that's one rule I wish we had here in India. 

Literary epic 'To Kill a Mockingbird' went online and viral. 'Nuff said.

The legendary Sherpas boycotted Everest after several of their colleagues died in a mishap that could have been prevented. 
In similar news, Srilanka deported a Brit just because she had a tattoo of Buddha. 

The Google Car logged 1000 miles of safe driving. But give it to Salman Khan and he will still kill pedestrians. Its all about BeingHuman, after all.

If you thought its only Indian politicians who can't keep their mouths shut and their penises in place, take heart. Vladimir Zhironovsky, a Kremlin stooge and first-rate buffoon has been caught ordering his aides to violently rape a pregnant scribe. Mulayamji, please take note.

We all switched off the lights and made more babies on the World Earth Day on the 22nd April.
Talking about earth, if you have been hoping for a good monsoon this season, give it up. El Nino hereo. 

2 States, a movie based on a novel by the same name by Chetan Bhagat, hit the theaters and captured the hearts and the imagination of our young intercontinental lovers. Whilst the book has oodles of sex and sleaze, I think the movie was subtle, but can someone please tell me how we can launch into a well choreographed group dance in the middle of a geeky college? My Rating: 7. 

The US has its presidential libraries, we have the dilapidated MPLAD bus stops, Pakistan has the Lal Masjid's Osama Bin Laden library. Isn't our world perfect?

Meanwhile in Iran, a grief-stricken mother chose to slap his son's killer, forgive him and spare him the noose. RESPECT!
And it was revealed that the CIA uses excessive and unnecessary force on its prisoners. Who knew?

Over 200 Nigerian girls were kidnapped and later converted to Islam. OBL must be running out of virgins in paradise.

In other tragic news, a South Korean ferry that sunk while carrying school-children on a picnic. With over 284 missing and 4 dead, this tragedy of epic proportions could have been prevented. Shame!

In 'Google The Shit out of ..' section, Google the shit out of  *drum rolls, please* Vijay Seshadri. Pulitzer winning poet and namma boy. Fully Pride! 
In 'Folks you have to watch out for...!' section, look out for Jia Ruhan. Talented, young and QC'ed by Beijing, she is set to rock your world.

No, this was not all. I just ran out of time. 
Stay tuned for Part Duo. 

24 hours!

May 15, 2014, 7:12 am

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In less than 24 hours from now, India will pass her leash over to her new master. 
Expect an anti-climax because we already know who our new master will be. But let's pretend we didn't know and examine the usual suspects.

Candidate Number 1 - Rahul Gandhi (aka RaGa, The Dim Wit, Women's Empowerment, Scion of the Dynasty) 

Surely, he was the late bloomer but hey, don't pile all the muck on him. He's not as stupid as he puts himself out to be. He's just inherited none of the political sauciness of his dead relatives or his mom. How many of you remember how we showered Sonia G with eloquent praises when she turned down the top seat about 10 years ago? She was the epitome of Sati Savitri.
While we have lost much of that emotion towards her in the decade because of the way she dragged her lame Italian feet, RaGa should have won our hearts with his dimples and village idiot speeches. 

So where did it all go wrong for the C Company?
I think we all know the answers. What excites and worries me is how the Dynasty knew this was coming but chose to live in denial. The government sleepwalked through much of the last 3 years. Our PM was the mute spectator in the back seat of a taxi where the drunk driver is fumbling for the keys. For lack of a better word, let's just say Manmohan was the scapegoat of nearly every frustrated insult and anguished complaint we had toward Sonia and her unique brand of divide and rule. 
RaGa doesn't stand a chance and only a sympathetic wave (if you know what I mean) can bring the Congress back to the seat of power anytime in the foreseeable future. And Rahul, please shave the beard off. It's concealing those cute dimples.

Candidate Number 2 - Arvind Kejriwal (aka The Giant Slayer, The Muffler Man)

Now, be honest and tell me - How many of you thought he would become the Delhi Chief Minister (even if it was for a brief period)? Exactly. 
He came, He Slayed, He Left.
No other party in the history of modern India has captured the imagination of a billion people the way his party of 18 months has. Ofcourse, he must give all credit to Anna Hazare who came like a whirlwind and vanished like a breeze. He struck oil by planting the impossible. The impossible thought that some day we can rout out corruption if only we have a new set of leaders. 
So while we are all celebrating the dawn of a new India, I think its wise to say Arvind has a lot to learn and governing a country is far easier than just writing an essay. 
Will he win any seats? He will. 
Not enough to make a government at the center but enough to nip at the heels of the Dynasty. 
We may be disgruntled enough to throw Sonia G and her bunch of cronies out, but not disillusioned enough to vote for the right ideals.

Candidate Number 3 - The Third Front (made up of the Fat Lady from Tamil Nadu, Fat Man from UP and other assorted misfits)

So these are the folks who didn't get called to play in either of the teams during recess and decided to create their own team. Just to humor ourselves, I would like to see them win. Because the gameplan is interesting - If elected to power, they want to rotate the PM's chair between themselves. I can't think of a bigger nightmare than this. 
But the truth is, and if you'd like to believe the exit polls, they might get enough seats to nip at the other heel of the Dynasty. 

Candidate Number 4 - Saving the best for last, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present the Knight in Shining Armor, former Mass Murderer of Muslims and the only Indian Politician the US and the UK loved to hate until recently - Narendra Modi (aka NaMo, Former Tea Shop owner).

Reluctant as he was until a year ago, we all knew he always had the top post in the cross-hairs. So yes, like it or not, he is going to be our next Prime Minister and we are hoping he will do to India what he did with Gujarat. No, not the killing part hopefully but make us all prosperous and wealthy and happy and shining. 
Oh, like make India Shining like the Congress promised to do long back, but this time we are hoping he actually does it. 

Lessons the Congress can learn (wishful thinking)

• Communicate. Honestly.
• You screw us. We will screw you back.
• Policy Paralysis. Google it. It will have a picture of the UPA.
• Be consistent. Don't burn the midnight oil 3 months before the polls.
• Go solo. Your alliances with regional parties with absolutely no vision was the last nail in your coffin.
• Don't effing loot and plunder us. We will eventually kick your corrupt ass out so fast so far, your head will spin. 
• Spare no expense in hiring the best spin doctors because you will need them.

Finally, now that the grand exercise of electing our next master is almost over, let's take stock of all the schit that flew, the bullets we dodged, selfies we shot and give ourselves a massive pat on the back. 

This is after all one of the rare instances when we show we can do something as massive and organised as this was with minimal bloodshed or embarrassment (no pun intended) in a peaceful way. I can't think of another democracy that can boast of this.

And that's the way the cookie crumbled, in May 2014...

June 11, 2014, 8:34 am

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Yes, my children. India changed! 
After the euphoria the cookie crumbled for the Grand Ol' Party. And how!

Modi came, he saw and he conquered. Having been out of power long enough, the hunger is visible. Against tradition, the RSS asked LK Advani to stop grumbling and retire. 
As if to rub it in the face of Mrs G, he even invited all the biggies from SAARC to his party. 

In the last fortnight, at the helm of the most powerful chair in India Modi has been on a predictable roll. Rolling back some of the Dynasty's pet projects and shedding much of the dead-weight. And if you are a Congress Governor, you better start packing. 

So like a whiff of fresh air and evening showers, the Modi Sarkar (government) made sure it started with all the right tones and the right foot forward. Let's hope the momentum stays.

In related news, Kannada loud-mouth and literary flash in the pan UR Ananthamurthy did a Poonam Pandey and vowed to get out of India if Modi came into power. Fast forward to May 17 and the poor man had to station a platoon of overworked, underpaid cops to guard him since he has been getting prank calls asking him if he isn't left already. The good people at NaMo brigade even sent him a travel itinerary. 
After trash-talking the BJP, the Shiv Sena now wants to copulate with them.
Snoopgate? Who said that? 
Whoever said Indians didn't have a sense of humor?

And talking about comebacks, another Modi came back home. Lalit got his turf back at the Rajastan Cricket Board and got banned by BCCI. Real mature, guys. Real mature.

The Aam Aadmi Party has been fighting like common thieves, and Kejriwal was packed off to jail for not posting bail. Ok, let me give you a little bit of background here: Mr Kejriwal filed a lawsuit against Nitin Gadkari. Apparently the pizza base of this lawsuit is that Gadkari is corrupt. Really?! Kejriwal apparently doesn't think Mrs G and her bunch of cronies are corrupt because he needs to partner them. 
Say it slow with me - Exactly!

With the way AAP was knocked off the zipcode in these elections, Kejriwal now wants the Delhi chief minister's chair back. Not going to happen. See, this is why corporate wisdom tells you not to quit a job before you get another. And talking about transitions, Anandiben Patel succeeded Gujarat's longest serving Chief Minister. 

Back at Mrs G's lair, the party has been unraveling faster than Mr Singh's turban. So what if really important files went missing from the government, history will still be kinder to Manmohan. Predictably, after a flurry of resignations and retractions, the Congress blamed the Mossad, the ISI, advertisement agencies and aliens. Yes, like a deer caught in the headlights!
The former first Son-in-Law of the land - Robert Vadra (aka Money Multiplier and Corporate David Copperfield) will now be frisked at airports and as if to soften the blow, his famous wife told the security agencies to remove the cloak of security over her family. Gee thanks, Priyanka.
Can someone please explain why we have 22 ex-Ministers still occupying their palatial, rent-free official accommodations? 

So what if Kingfisher had its wings clipped 2 years ago. Fortunes have reversed and Modi being the kind of businessman-friendly guy that he is, don't be surprised if Kingfisher starts flying again, soon.
Talking about flying, Air Asia launched their operations - with a bang!

Across the border, militants attacked the Indian consulate in Afghanistan. One of the worst bomb attacks in Nigeria, killed 118 people. Courtesy Boko Haram. 
A coal mine in Turkey killed 238 people and there are 120 missing. This doesn't mean much to us. 
If you are a fan of the franchise, prepare to see American soldiers wearing ironman in combat. The United States of America, Bringing Democracy to the world, since 1980. 

Hate War? Make Love. 
If you are looking for some cheap Asian sex, you can still head to Thailand, where the army overthrew the government in a bloodless coup. 

Elsewhere, Indian shuttlers Jwala Gutta and Ashwini Ponappa have been quietly shining at the Uber Cup. 
And we'll now have the Kabbadi Premier League. 

In Prison News, Tejpal got bail and Subrata and Asaram got ball. Looks like they'll have to sell their crown jewels after all. 

Now, if I was in Russia, I could have been jailed by now, because Putin has outlawed all swear words. Yeah, cucking frazy isn't it?

And guess who verified Twitter? Yeah, Rajinikanth did. Masterstroke.
His magnum opus Kochadaiyaan not so much. I've always wondered why we can't make animation movies that can compete with Hollywood even when we do exceptional work when outsourced. This is neither a Shrek nor a Bal Ganesha and as you walk out of the theater, you realize that some advertisements have much better animation than this movie. 
Why you must watch this movie? 
Watch it if you want to be see how we idol-worship an aging super-actor. 
Watch it if you want to hear some incredible music and really good dance sequences by some of the biggest names in India. 
Watch it if you want to see how this movie could be the start of motion capture animation in Indian movies. 
My Rating: 5, and here's why- 
This movie is a poor first draft and an amateurish attempt at creating an epic movie. 

There are plenty of times throughout the movie when you can see how kitschy animation and motion capture is. The lines are quite clearly defined. There are obvious misses like when the army advances only the horse's movement kicks up little dust and the thousands of men marching and running appears like they are doing it on polished marble. 
The makers of this movie have obviously put Rajini on a pedestal and the quality is there to see, for instance if I were to compare how Rajini and other characters have been rendered, you'll see the difference is like night and day. The faces are terribly rendered, the eyes are plasticy and display almost no emotion and appear to stare. The lighting on the faces are terrible in many scenes. The characters appear to be standing bend at the knees. Rukmini's character appears to have hair that defies gravity. And what's with Deepika's outfit? In some of the scenes, her face looks contorted and unrecognizable. 
In some of the fight sequences, like the one between Deepika's and Rajini's character, appear so amateurish I've seen better rendering in computer games.
The plot isn't thick either. It has shades of a lot of other movies. 
Now, I know this is a Rajini movie, out and out and I am a huge fan of his earlier movies. Like a SRK movie, this movie will rake in the moolah for its makers. And I know I will get a lot of flak for this review but I've always called a spade a spade in my posts. 

But guess what! We do have some good news too - India has been polio-free for the last 3 years. Yay us!
A 3D printer landed a man in Tokyo in jail. And here we still struggle with toner prices.

In news that you won't ever hear in India, a former Israeli PM was sent to 6 years for accepting bribes while in office. 

And if you ever wondered why marital rape is still not recognized as a punishable crime in India, here's why - an Indian court ruled that forced intercourse in a marriage cannot be rape. The tragedy of our times.

And you want to know what else the Indian courts did? They allowed pre-launch promos of Rahasya, a movie based on Aarushi while staying its launch on June 13. Did anyone say any news is good news? If we have learned anything from banning something, it should be - Banning it will only make the forbidden fruit sweeter. 

And o yeah, exiled authoress Taslima Khan was diagnosed with breast cancer. 
Down south, Jaya madam pulled off a coup-de-grace and the courts ordered that the levels at Mullaperiyar dam be raised. Damn!

A WHO study revealed that Delhi is the most polluted city in the world. You think?
The trusty Amby began its drive into the sunset, as demand for the most comfortable taxi in the world declined. 

Kimye went on their honeymoon. Is it just me or do you think they do everything backwards? Well, good for them. Does this mean Offspring # 2 is on the way?

Back in India, in the State that advertises itself as the pride of India, shot into the international Do-Not-Travel list when 2 teenage Dalit (lower caste) girls were raped and hung from a tree. The cops apparently made fun of the parents when they wanted to lodge a complaint. So as we limp from one high-profile rape to another, we seem intent on raping the few women that we have left. 

Save for the rapes, and the bombs, the humiliating defeat of the Congress and the thousand other ways that we screwed up, everything else was wonderful. 

I'm off to watch my favorite sport - Football. See you all next month.

And that's the way the cookie crumbled, in June Twenty14...

July 24, 2014, 7:00 am

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Thirty days into a new era of governance, Narendra Modi is finally showing who is boss. 

Predictably, he has won lot of admirers and a few enemies too. Now, I admit I wasn't too much of an admirer of him either but if he is half as effective as he is serious about the 'acche din' promise, then we are just getting started! 
The availability of affordable food grains has always been an Achilles heel for Indian politicians. The Food law that prohibits hoarding and the new legislation that protects Whistleblowers are steps in the right direction.

With the general budget a month away, the Rail budget came out. For those who can't understand why this is important, the Indian Railways is the world's largest employer. Its infrastructure and manpower is larger than most med-sized countries. It moves more people in a day than the entire population of some European countries. Over the past several years, successive politicians have milked the railways cow for their own benefits. From a corporation that actually made revenue, it is now on the verge of bankruptcy. 

So this year, fares were hiked, rolled back and then hiked back. Some freebies, lots of promising stuff. Overall, a budget that could turn the sagging fortunes of the milch cow.

The ruling party promised to supply free electricity in 5 years. Now, all this sounds very familiar because whether we get it or not, they are going to use these promises in 4 and a half years again.

Senior BJP Minister and former Chief Minister Gopinath Munde died in a tragic car accident. Union Road and Safety minister Nitin Gadkari promised sweeping changes in road safety. Good for you!

Union Health Minister, Dr Harsh Vardhan, said something that rattled many. 'Wear values instead of condoms'. Makes sense if you understand where its coming from, but is the dear doctor saying it is wrong to experiment? Will he ask his children to not wear condoms when its time to talk about the birds and bees? Now, I don't have anything against abstinence but how about those who are in same-sex relationships? What really gets my goose is when supposedly secular politicians become moral preachers sermonizing religion and culture. Not happening. Hey Doc! Why don't you look into the big city garbage that has been pilling up in towns around India.

In our Monthly National Rape and Abuse against Women section (sic), an Indian teenager killed herself because a guy she met online posted morphed pictures of themselves in a fake profile. What did the guy gain by this? This could have been just an innocent attempt to arm-twist her into a relationship, but now that she is gone, I am wondering how much of a future he has himself.
Elsewhere a 15 year old Mumbaiite was gang-raped by 5 of her friends and a 22 year old was raped in a moving car by a guy she met online. 
A wife in the northern State of Madhya Pradesh was gang raped by her husband and 10 other men and when a mother in Manipur resisted rape, she got her head blown off.
What the fu*k is wrong with these animals?
The silver lining is that we will soon have regular criminal courts for juvies accused in heinous crimes. 

While Modi has asked his ministers to not make a fool of themselves ala the UPA, Mister Digvijay 'Diggy' Singh opened his mouth long enough to say 'Rahul is not a ruler, but just a fighter against injustice'. Yeah right! I can't believe they think we still believe that kind of crap anymore.
And the AAP unraveled like a broom without the handle. Touche!

In yet another instance of corporate muscling, infrastructure conglomerate Jindals were found grabbing land worth millions in the northern State of Chattisgarh. Shame Story!

China pulled its 'Arunchal Pradesh card' again. Chinese maps showed the north-eastern State as its own. Smart! India fumed and made all the right noises. Same Story.
Guess who else we are mad at? Russia. Yup, we are upset Russia is selling MI-35 tanks to Pakistan. That's right! Making friends everywhere we go.

In other news, buildings in Chennai and Delhi came tumbling down. We may not hear a lot of this but with the way the construction industry depends on sand illegally dredged from our dying riverbeds, this shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. Like the mining mafia which has been selling our country piecemeal, the sand mafia is single-handedly responsible for the poor quality of millions of buildings in the country now.

And I watched the latest outing of Optimus Prime & Co.
Transformers: Age of Extinction, is a 6 on my rating for a lot of reasons. While the technical finesse is there for you to see, I found the plot forgetful. I was yawning listening to the one-liners. While previous outings did have a lot of inane one-liners, I still found the storyline believable. I don't miss Shia Labeouf's character, but Megan Fox? Yes, I think she was one of the reasons why the first two installments in this franchise was the runaway success it was. Transformers without Megan is like Pretty Woman without Julia Roberts. 
Mark Wahlberg is endearing and as always he is a delight to watch. The CGI action sequences are top notch. Should you watch it? Yes, if you are a die-hard fan of the franchise and Mark Wahlberg. But don't go expecting meaty performances from any of the human characters in the movie. 

Shortly after winning a monumental task of being recognized, transgenders got the chance to walk with their heads held high again. The prestigious Fergusson college in the western city of Pune officially allowed transgenders to enroll. Let's raise a toast to the Pride!

In sporting news, Brazil was unready, but hosted FIFA anyway. Truly the World's greatest sport, played by over 200 countries, big and small, rich and poor, kept most of the world awake, entertained and on the edge of their seats. Suarez did a Mike Tyson on Italy's Giorgio Chellini and got banned. I guess Girogio isn't going to be too thumped about getting a hickie anytime soon, eh?! But I simply enjoyed the way Suarez sat clutching his canines. Did his shoulder hurt your canines, Suarez?

But it wasn't all serious biting and stuff, Playboy bunny Patricia Jordane promised a Poonam Pandhey. And so did Marlen Doll. Saved you a  google search..
Messi sparkled.

Are you one of those people who have a problem with tobacco and alcohol companies surrogate sponsoring mainstream events? Well, I hate it when companies like ITC (Indian Tobacco Co.) sponsor school and collegiate events and companies like UB (United Breweries), McDowells and Fosters market soda and music CDs. Well, someone seems to have broken the silence and the Central Board of Secondary Education (CBSE), one of India's premier edicational board, ordered that affiliated schools and institutions cannot allow such companies sponsor or support events anymore. About time.

And talking about dawning realization, the US has declared the founder of JuD, Hafiz a terrorist and froze all his assets. 
Guess who else got their assets in trouble. Mrs G and her buffoon son, got a summons from the Delhi HC to laundering money through National Herald. And did I hear someone say - skeletons come tumbling down..

Like the rest of Middle East, Iraq broke out in a boil. But why Iraq? Well, let me break it down for you. No matter how much oil anyone else has, the quality of crude oil is what makes the rest of the world and the great nation of American drool. With ISIS and the Al Qeada controlling much of Iraq and Syria, we are looking at days when we no longer have the reins in our hands. Indian nurses became innocent pawns. The government flexed a muscle and send one of its battleships to the region and managed to get the hostages back. Good Show!

American cruiser manufacturer Harley Davidson announced it would build an electric cruiser. Codenamed Project Livewire, this could one of the most anticipated launches from the iconic brand.

So do you have a drinking problem? Well, so does a 2 year old Chinese infant, nicknamed 'Little Winebibber'. Cute ain't he?

For all those who OCD with cleanliness, here's something that you will begin to love - nanotech spray that will keep your clothes and shoes looking like new. Fresh!

Website to watch out for: Kickstarter. 
I've previously written about how a group of underprivileged girls from Mumbai managed to raise money for a library for other children in their community. 
And if you want to see the world, logon to Travolta, a travel planning site that allows you to travel for free.

Eygpt sentenced 3 journos to 7 years in prison for doing what they are paid to do. Dark day for freedom, as usual.
Talking about freedom, Sudanese Christian Miriam Yahia was detained at the airport when she and her husband were trying to leave after being jailed for her faith.

And for all those who enjoy a careless fling, a study by NYU have revealed that casual sex is a good thing.

Single guys rejoin! Sultry goddess Nargis Fakri is single again. Now, drool. 

Continuing its tradition of giving back to the world, Tesla released its patented electric car designs and technology to the world. For free. Edison, eat your shorts.

Saina won the Australian Open, in style. Maria Sharapova made critics who wrote her off humblepie at the French Open.

Don't you just love it when you realise you were the unwitting guinea pig in an elaborate experiment! Facebook sure didn't think it was inappropriate to conduct a secretive 'emotional contagion' on thousands of its users. See, now that's why I quit FB, I rather let politicians manipulate and steal my tax Rupees than some random business conglomerate online.
FB went offline for 30 whole minutes, and productivity soared across the world. I know of atleast one person who didn't know what to do with those 30 minutes of no FB! If you ask me, I think we need more of these outages. #facebookdown.

ISRO, an example of how much Indians can do in the face of impossible challenges from the West, made history by launching 5 satellites at once. In your face, Uncle Sam.

Audi won their 13th Le Mans tour this month. Game Over!

Chen Guangbiao, self made millionaire and pompous philanthropist, made another grand announcement of charity. Too bad the Most Charismatic Philanthropist can't buy humility and common-sense.

Five children were rescued in a nationwide campaign against pedophiles running a child porn network. So while Japan has banned child pornography, Manga will stay. 

An Austrian lady who decided to sun-bathe in clear view of motorists created a mini pile-up. Now, thats something most men wouldn't have any problems with.

Signs that Indians are a bunch of prudes and closet erotica aficionados, online sales of sex products are going through the roof. Even in smaller towns! Rock on the Hard On!

King Juan Carlos of Spain abdicated to make way for his son Fellipe VI. 

Rajat Gupta lost the appeal against the $13.9 million fine for insider trading and will serve his prison term. See, now if he was in India, we would have forgotten about him and he could have walked free by now.

Three decades after building the Indian dream, the last of the founders exited Infosys. Vishaal Sikka took the reins over as the first non-founder CEO in the company's history. Let's hope this turns the fortunes of the IT major around.

When Air Asia kicked off a price war, other domestic players tripped over eachother to get a piece of the pie. In an industry where the profits are slim, I wonder how long airline companies can afford to run when they can barely crawl. 

Machli, the 18 year old Bengal tigress made famous by Nat Geo and Discovery, will be immortalized when she dies. It was announced that taxidermists will preserve her skin and fur for public display. Considering how we are unable to save our natural resources and existing museum artifacts from vandals and nature, it should be interesting to see how much of the tax-payers money gets to go down the drain this time.

Weather continued to show who's boss flattening towns in Pilger and Nebraska. But in NY, food that would have otherwise ended up in landfills were put to good use.

In other good news, F1 legend Michael Schumacher was revived from his medically-induced coma and was transferred to Switzerland for further recovery. Get well, soon Schumi!

Priety Zinta milked her former beau Ness Wadia in full glorious view. Bollywood, which normally has a lot to say for everything under the sun, stayed mum this time. 

Snowden, the refugee US can't wait to hate, appealed for an extension to stay in Russia. Seeing as how Putin loves to rub Uncle Sam's nuts in salt, he might just get that extension.

Light Moments of the Month:
All India Bakchod (AIB) spoofed Indians who fly. 
Must watch video: Check out the 'Seatbelt Crew' - Eunuchs giving safety tips at a traffic stop. Epic!

In 'Silly Bans of the Month', Russian politician Oleg Mekheyev banned high heels. Really?!
Football was banned in Nigeria, after Boko Haram declared it to be sport that corrupts. Too bad they cannot kidnap a football and convert it to Islam.

With tragedies and miracles, mindless violence and selfless sacrifices, from sporting heros who stooped to conquer to mindless politicians to struggled to reach, June has truly been a wonderful month of surprises. 

The glass is only half full!

And that's the way the cookie crumbled, in July Twenty14... [Part One]

August 1, 2014, 5:43 am

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It feels like December 2012 all over again. 
Bangalore - formerly Pensioner's Paradise, Garden City and the City where violent sexual crime used to be rare is now anything but a Paradise, has more over-flowing gutters than gardens and where young children and women are being raped almost everyday. 

And this has riled up the armchair activists like sharks on a feeding frenzy. Enough is Enough! Stop talking! 
Recently on Quora, I read a question which wondered why men in Bangalore are better towards women than the men in the North. You must be kidding me!

Will one-stop Crisis centers for rape victims help? Tough to say. Even as I write this, more than 50 women would have been raped and chances are none of the perpetrators will be punished. 

Them geniuses at the Women and Child's welfare committee decided that banning mobile phones in colleges will be enough to stop rapes. My advice to them: Don't breed, please!
But if you are breeding, please produce some girls. We are running short of girls and the dwindling numbers have now reached 'emergency proportions'. On the flip side, it isn't looking good for the survivors either. 

Moving on to matters that won't ruffle the manicured feathers of placard-holding pseudo activists, the Met. dept announced that Monsoons will be the lowest in 52 years and a private agency declared drought. No shit!! With the way we have been chopping down those trees, I'd be surprised if we didn't face the consequences. 
Our civic authorities helpfully pointed out that we have been wasting 42% of our drinking water. 

Remember the gigantic oath-taking ceremony that our honorable new PM took in May? Well, the government spent 17.60 lakhs for it. A small price to pay for the 'acche din'.

Talking about prices, Modi came out with his maiden 'pro-reform' budget and the industry swooned, politicians had a case of sour grapes and ordinary non-smokers cheered! Biggest gainers: ITC! 
For starters, you get to save more of the peanuts you'll earn under 80c and PPF (Public Provident Fund). and Indira Vikas Patrika makes a return now. 
Good News: Unlike the previous governments, there won't be any more loan waivers for farmers who can't and won't pay and a renewed focus on infrastructure. YAY!

Every other politician cried blue murder and the Congress said it was just a copy-paste job. Well, Mr Congressman, if it was an exact replica of your budget, then why are you complaining? Arvind Kejriwal managed to get his 10 seconds of glory too. 

The US has been cozying up to Modi under the blankets and by the time you read this, Obama has sent the Welcome wagon. 

But petrochemical major Reliance seems to be squirming with discomfort after the government refused to revise and hike prices of gas from the Krishna Godavari basin and when GAIL was told to not pay RIL Much gas was passed.

BJP seems to be cracking the whip and in this month's 'I'm the Boss' news, Modi has warned his MPs that they are not supposed to bunk parliament. 

While we have an extremely fickle-minded bunch of politicians, they sure do know how to unite when it's payback time. 

Politicians Beware!
Amit Shah - a close confidante of Modi and a guy who doesn't really get along with politicians on the other side of the fence got elevated to become Modi's right hand, and whistle-blower IAS officer Ashok Khemka is set to have a PMO role. Did someone say 'sweet revenge'?

Our favorite 'foot-in-mouth' former Supreme Court judge Markandey Katju stirred the hornet's nest by saying that politicians interfered with judicial appointments during the UPA regime. Now Mr Katju, tell us something we didn't know. 

And that's why Mr Natwar Singh, a former Sonia Gandhi confidante and 'chuddy-dost' wrote a book on Mrs G. This is what is called 'skeletons springing out of a cupboard'. Considering how the sales of these books are through the roof, I think this is just the tip of the ice-berg. 

Look out for more juice as Mrs G has announced that she will write a book too. Good year for Indian fiction.

A hop, skip and a jump away, Trinamool Congress MP Tapas Pal had a case of verbal diarrhea.  Well, see this is precisely the reason why I think everyone in the party has lost their marbles. They are on their way out a'la the UPA.

Meanwhile, the Scum of Maharasthra Shiv Shena got some reel-time this month when they were caught on camera force-feeding a Muslim caterer. Denial followed by an apology. 

In yet another aviation disaster, a Malaysian Airlines passenger jet MH-17 was shot down by Ukrainian rebels using Russian SAM. All hell broke loose. 
Putin flipped flopped and finally flapped.
Across the world, a small passenger plane making a second landing attempt in stormy weather crashed at an airport on a small Taiwanese island late Wednesday, killing 51 people and injuring seven

But in slightly more cheerful aviation news, Air India crash-landed safely in Newark, after it developed technical issues shortly after take-off. And it won't matter to us that he saved 100s of lives and he will be forgotten soon.
Meanwhile, a Chinese airline tested in-flight WiFi. They may be the butt of cheap jokes, but they are still way ahead in innovation. 

Hollywood may like to portray otherwise but after fighting marathon battles that they don't seem to be winning, the Americans are now frustrated and fatigued. 

In FIFA, Neymar got kicked out. Literally. And Germany trashed the bejesus out of Brazil.
Ultimately, Germany faced Argentina and walked away with the World Cup. Not because the better team won (clearly Messi can only do so much) but because the Germans never blinked. The lonely goal that gave the Cup away couldn't have been possible if the Argentinian goalkeeper wasn't distracted for that exact second. 

Facebook announced the launch of 'Mentions', an exclusive app for people in public spotlight. I can actually see how this is going to feed on the ego and flagging self-esteem of our many celebrities, but who cares. 

Maria Sharapova didn't know who the short curly-haired former cricketer was and Indians were shocked. This from a nation of idiots who let their kabbadi, hockey and football stars fend for themselves. Bastards!

Talking about Cricket, Dhoni was lampooned by the stiff-upper lipped British press after he stood by the allegations against James Anderson in the ongoing series in Britain. Gee!
So while we were getting our butts handed to us on a platter in England, across the border in Glasgow, with 15 Gold medals, we stood a proud 5th. Bolt stole the show with a gold at

4x100 mtr relay race. He could have raked up quite a controversy but his sportsmanship is something we could all learn from.

In this month's 'I wonder why?!' section
Having lobbied for more rights up until the last year, India awed and shocked everyone when she vetoed a landmark WTO agreement which could spell disaster for the regulatory organization.

The Americans saw another round of a mass shootout in Houston. Sometimes, I wonder why the Arabs spend billions of dollars training to kill Americans. Maybe they should just let them buy more guns and kill themselves. Why the government won't rein in the powerful gun industry is a simple question of economics and will-power.
Nuclear talks with the Iranians failed. Again. We all know the Iranians have the nukes, why can't we just leave it that way?
Eventually, I have a feeling that it won't be humans who will kill us. Nature can do the Shift+DEL even better.
Until then, we'll have unscrupulous businesses sell expired meat to fast-food conglomerates like McDonalds and KFC in China and kill thousands. 

In more Beiber trouble, neighbors in the upscale Beverly Hills complained of excessive noise from the Canadian pop star. If only he remained the cute and adorable brat that was. Sigh!

IIT- Mumbai had a feline visitor who refused to leave. The students, ofcourse took to twitter for comic relief. Well, let's hope the big cat gets a 7 point something.
And a Rhino poacher in South Africa got 77 years in prison, in what could be the harshest sentence against a poacher anywhere. If you ask me, he needs to do 77 years of community service and not prison time.

Srilanka apologized for an embarrassing article that created an uproar in Tamil Nadu. 

Reliance India made its footprint count when it bought Network18, a media conglomerate that spans news and entertainment. With a history of suppressing or being biased, this could spell doom in a nation where freedom or speech is still a myth and channels sell endless montages about the mundane and mindless entertainment 24 hours a day.

For want of a better cause to fight, PETA launched another attack on Mrs Kardashian for swimming with the dolphins in Mexico. 

Israel has been pounding the falafel out of Gaza. Now, we all know whose side the US is on, but do we really know the truth behind this conflict? Israel has been following a rule of intentional disinformation and government-sponsored propaganda to stifle and throttle the Palestinians and control the way everyone outside of the Arabian peninsula see their conflict. Now, Israel is no saint and neither is Palestine. 
But to a question - Can it be so hard for a nation to live peaceably with their neighbors? The answer lies in the will of the its politicians to be peaceful. Historically Israel has portrayed itself as the wounded nation surrounded by enemies and as a Christian, I know how the scriptures are replete with God's promise to protect a nation that is hounded. But Israel's strategy of wounding the enemy but not killing them is what keeps the world (read US) entertained and sympathetic with the Israeli 'cause'. With over a 1000 killed in a fortnight, this is a travesty of justice no matter who is on your side. The Palestinians captured an Israeli soldier and knowing how capture of its soldier affects them, this is both an Israeli weakness and the Palestinian strength. 

In 'Interesting News of the month' section, a 17 year old turkish girl was declared as the 'World's tallest female' by the Guinness Records committee.
The NY Museum of Natural History, made famous by the Ben Stiller 'A Night at the Museum' movies will host an adult sleepover on the 1st of August. 

Outraged over ongoing allegations of unauthorized snooping, Germany expelled top US diplomats. See, now this is something that Indians and rest of the world will never have the balls to do. 

In this month's 'We have money to burn' section, 
India paid up her dues to Iran and decided to wean herself off the sweet stuff. 
Air India got a very expensive shot in the arm - Rs 6500 crore expensive and tied up with Star Alliance. Much brouhaha followed.

VIP Samadhis (glorified tombs) costs us Rs 8 crores/year to maintain. Much ado about nothing!

Mamata Di gave away Rs 8 lakhs as festival bonus to its civil servants and Telangana (the wealthier twin of Andhra) roped in Sania Mirza as its brand ambassador and we all took to the streets! It looks like we are still hurt that she went and married the neighbor's son when we had 10 eligible bachelors in the family. The fact that she still chooses to play for us is patriotic enough. I can name 50 politicians who aren't 1% as patriotic as this lady who plays every match even if she knows she will lose it. 

Dubai launched the world's largest shopping mall which will also have an indoor theme park.

Looks like Dubai is getting to be the place to be if you have the money to burn..

But if you have kids or a strange fetish for Harry Potter, be sure to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter which opened at Universal Studios, Osaka, Japan.

In a relief to millions of husbands who are harassed by unscrupulous wives, the Supreme Court ruled that the police cannot arrest husbands when a dowry case is filed. Seeing as how women would file the 498a and other frivolous cases at the drop of their marital tiara, this judgement rankled the Women's organizations but the men let out a collective sigh of relief. The apex court went one step ahead and declared that women who file a frivolous case against the husband will be criminally punished if found untrue. Now, that's called justice!

At times when we are trying to rein in runaway inflation and when tomatoes cost Rs 50/kilo, the government declared hoarding of essential food will be considered a non-bailable offense. This should strike the right amount of fear in the hearts of those unscrupulous businessmen. 

Bad guys, watch out! SEBI is on a prowl.
Byrraju Ramalinga Raju (aka The man who did the Enron to Satyam) and 4 others were fined Rs 1849 crores and banned from doing any business for terms ranging from 4 to 14 years by the market regulator.
The SEBI cracked the whip with Subrata Roy and told him to do business while in custody. Screwed!

Across the pond, Pistorious was diagnosed with split personality in the trial where he is accused of intentionally murdering his paralegal girlfriend in their tony villa last year. If convicted, the 'Blade-runner' could spent a substantial amount of his life behind bars. Whatever it is, this is the end of his running days. 

In similar news, the forensic pathologist who examined Sunanda Pushkar, wife of high-flying twitterati Shashi Tharoor, testified that her death was highly suspicious and that he has been coerced to fudge her death certificate. If you ask me, I'll always known it is Shashi. If we can pass judge Aarushi's parents the way we have because of the way they are, I think we can do the same to Shashi too. I think I've seen food stay fresh longer than Shashi's remorse at his 'dear' wife's death.

In this month's 'Let's give a moment of silence' section, 
Almost 10 years after it made a splash, Orkut will be given a quiet burial in September. 
Zohra Sehgal, the grand old lady of Bollywood, changed her earthly address. Respect!
21 people died in one of the worst metro accidents in Russian history. 
And Archie is dead too. RIP!

We Indians (me included) often complain at how inefficiently slow we are when it comes to developing a military equipment. And while we bask in the glory of the shame we heap on ourselves, Uncle Sam tells us how they are just as bad. The F35 Joint Strike fighter has been under development for over 20 years and will start limited trial flights soon. 
Projected to cost over $1 billion dollars a pop, I think they may have bitten off a little more than they can chew this time. 

In this month's 'Watch Out!' section, 
Be sure to watch Hercules, Dwyane The Rock Johnson sparkles and Irina Shayk strips.
... and for Part Two of And that's the cookie crumbled in July Twenty14.

Spoiler Alert!

August 8, 2014, 7:17 am

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≪ Previous: And that's the way the cookie crumbled, in July Twenty14... [Part One]

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New Page in town! 
Holding the Thought.. Thinking while Driving.

And that's the way the cookie crumbled, in July Twenty14... [Part Two]

August 7, 2014, 3:58 am

≫ Next: While you were away : July 2013 (Part 1 of 3)

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Guess who's getting lucky? Thats right, at Rs 8 lakhs a night, estranged wife of Hrithik

Roshan, designer Sussanne Khan demanded Rs 400 crores ($ 654 million) as alimony.
With the way vegetable prices have been soaring, I am pretty sure she needs that kind of money to survive.

iPhone wannabe Chinese smartphone Xioami stormed the Indian marketplace and took a flipkart. Sold Out!
From humble beginnings as a startup in Bangalore, Flipkart has come a long way. Now based out of Singapore, it got $ 1 billion in additional funding. The very next day, Amazon announced it is pumping in $ 2 billion into its etail business in India. Sure, etail is still in its infancy here but have they bitten off more than they can chew?

In more aviation news, there were some more close shaves and near misses. Good year for Nat Geo 'Air Crash Investigation'.
Call it superstition or a lame attempt to reinvent itself, after a spate of high profile disasters Malaysia Airlines will now rechristen itself and seek new investors. 
In other disaster news, a massive landslide buried an entire village and if it wasn't for an alert bus driver, we would have been digging out corpses by now. The culprit? Rampant deforestation and soil erosion. Sadly none of this will shock any of us any more.

Afghanistan accused Pakistan of stoking violence. Who knew?!
ISIS hoisted its flag in Kashmir. Great! Another butt to kick.
Boko Haram tied up with Dawood Ibrahim and made good logistics sense.
A Japanese girl in Tokyo was arrested after she killed and fed on her classmate. Brings more meaning to the term - Peer Bonding.

Jane Goodall, known for her decades long work amongst chimps and great apes, predicted the apes will go extinct if we continue to poach and encroach. 

On the heels of the 'emotional contagion' experiment FB did on its users, OKCupid tweaked it's users data and preferences to test how potential partners would react. There goes my faith in the system.
And cementing my belief in the obvious, a research showed that the longer you remain on FB, the more depressed you get. Finally!!!

'Vijay Malya is an accidental defaulter and not a willful defaulter' Sayeth UCO, one of the bank who lend his now-defunct airline 1000s of crores as loan. 
Air India had an eventful month this month, when it launched flights on the Delhi-Moscow route for the first time in 15 years. 

VR Bhat, a freelance writer and a self-proclaimed RSS worker was sued for slandering a woman on FB. Quote UnQuote 'Women against Sanatana Dharma must be raped', he is the kind of scum that we don't need.
Dozens of factories that dumped their sewage in to the Ganges were ordered to be shut down. The first step towards cleaning up Hinduism's holiest river.

The Costa Concordia was finally towed away for dismantling and further east, children who survived the South Korean ferry crash testified against the captain and crew of the ferry.

In 'Weird enough to be News' news, 

• An uptown bar in London conducted a pheromone party where participants could find their partner by sniffing 3 day old sweaty tee-shirts. No big deal. Indians in India have the pheromone parties every morning and evening when they use public transportation.
• A Brazilian artist made dresses out of unused condoms. Thank God he chose the unused condoms!
• After killing off Archie, the upcoming 26th season of the animation series Simpsons will see a major character being 'killed off'.
• Bill Clinton got punked! By Indian government officials. The officials masqueraded a student from a better school as a child of the government school in Uttar Pradesh that his foundation supports. 
• An Austrian priest was furious after he found out his church was used as a location for a porn film. The things pastors have to go through for us!
• Want to have a threesome? Download 3nder, an app that allows you to locate that eager beaver for your romp. 
• After kicking out every major business in the last few years, Mamatadi has gone to Singapore to convince industrialists to open shop in Bengal. Ha Ha!
• Sikh basketball players where thrown out of the FIBA championship in China. Somehow the Chinese still manage to rub us the wrong way every now and then, huh?
• Locally known as 'End of the World', a giant crater in the middle of nowhere in Siberia baffled scientists. Maybe the Americans could search for oil there but I digress.

Papa Mulayam poured out some ancient wisdom. Rapes are no big deal, until it strikes a lady in your family.

Honda fresh after the box-office hits of its City and Amaze introduced the Mobilio. Considering how slick Honda has always been with their product promotions, this could give Toyota, Maruti and Tata a run for their money. 
On the other end of the price spectrum, Porsche announced the launch of their luxury SUV - the Macan at Rs 1.11 crores. Sussanne, you can buy it.

In this month's 'Let's give a moment of silence' section, 
South African writer and winner of the 1991 Nobel Prize for Literature Nadine Gordimer passed away. 

In truly incredible news of selfless love, a Muslim husband in Uttar Pradesh donated his kidney to his wife. Against the wishes of his parents. 

Guess who is giving the Pride of our Nation: Sunny Leone sleepless nights? No, not who you thought, but I like the way you think. 
Its Dana Vana. Like a moth to a flame, phirangis are drawn to Bollywood. 

Watch out for Ebola. Without a vaccine or a cure in sight, this virus has always been the most potent immunodeficient viruses in the world now. With a mortality rate of almost 90%, this is one virus that can become a epidemic really fast. Read more about the virus here.

Ok ladies, have you ever envied how we men can pee standing up? Do you dread using those crusted discolored Indian toilets? Well, worry no more. Introducing Pee-buddy. An unique use & throw contraption that will help women pee standing up. 
Next: How to fart like a man.

Meanwhile, Harley Davidson decided to outsource production of all its bikes to India. The last frontier!
And in good news to those who remember their vehicle's mileage better than their partner's birthdays, Petrol will be less dearer by Rs 1.09/litre.

India's Foreign Minister, Sushma Swaraj, told the US Secretary of State John Kerry that we won't tolerate any more snooping. Maybe we should ask Snowden for more help. 

Adieus Good People of the World! See you all next month.

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While you were away : July 2013 (Part 1 of 3)

July 13, 2013, 9:03 am

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The past week saw much chatter.

Uncle Sam grew restless as Vladimir's Russia kept its best poker face.
Neither US nor Russia can afford sparking a conflict that will end the human race. So while Snowden is living out his 'Terminal' life, we can only hope that everyone goes home happy.
The Americans proved just how diplomatically powerful it is when as many as 21 countries said 'No thank you' to his asylum requests. Although he did manage to get proposed !!!

Why he didn't just walk into an Ecuadorian Embassy in the US just baffles me. Maybe, he should have just gone to Pakistan. The only place on earth where the scum of the universe can live undetected. Or maybe he can walk out wearing a cowboy hat and no one will notice ?

Enter Sir Ravindra Jadeja. 'Pick someone of your own size, Uncle Sam'.

And talking about picking up fights, I've gotta hand it to Modi. His remark made me think to myself - 'No, it wasn't a car running over a puppy, it was more like a truck running over roadkill.' 

Future Mrs Snowden?

Well, atleast he is consistent; in that he does not want to apologize. How many of you have the feeling of deja-vu?! The many south Indians that I've spoken to are already dreading the way India will do an Asiana Airlines in a few months or when Modi comes to power (whichever is earlier).

Got problems getting an ID card? You can maybe pick a clue from 'Jack and Jane Doe' who had 20.

Eminem came full circle. After rapping lyrics that smacked of violence and sexism during his active singing career, he now faces the prospect of having his daughter date a young man who was brought up listening to his music. Maybe we should send him a framed placard with the 8 simple rules but I still think Eminem is a wonderful person. Having been through all that he did, he still gave a good life to his daughter. Not something many others in showbiz can claim credit to. Full marks for that!

I'm just waiting to see how Kim is going to raise her child. Looking at her glorious track record at the relationship department, it's true when they say Kim and a door knob are alike. They all get a turn. But I'll still finish this post faster than Kim's marriage.

Back home, Congress managed to push the Food Bill. No, it's not the kind of bill you dread paying at that overly exorbitant hotel, but the Food Act. Its obvious Congress is burning the midnight oil before the 12th standard board exams, but its worth a shot, eh?!

The Rupee did the whoopee and started pinching everyone. Well, the good news is you may still be able to buy the Nano.
The SC reached puberty and kicked the politicians where it hurt the most. It ruled that a conviction will disqualify a politician from public office. Next week: IQ.

Nature struck. Again. No surprises. Soon, we'll hear of more disaster relief fund requests, if you know what I mean.
Egypt plunged into crisis. Standing ovation to their persistence.
It will take us several decades to get to where the Egyptians are today.
We are too complacent to fight. Too comfortable to bother. Too numb to move.

Thirteen bombs went off at Mahabodhi. Why do we allow this to repeat? For answer, refer to paragraph above. 
Our politicians will repeat their rhetoric. We will bring our placards out. In a few weeks, we'll all have new things to worry about.

Andy Murray struck gold. And so did our athletes. With nine medals, we stood sixth! The expression - One in a billion -  is SO true!

Eight months after Jyothi died, the juve who was the most cruel will be sentenced. Now, I don't know what the family is going through but this I know - Whatever verdict the court gives cannot and will not extinguish the torment nor wipe away the stain of his crime. Not in this life, nor in the afterlife.
Our men notched up a few more gang-rapes, as usual. 

eCommerce got a fillip as Flipkart got a $300 million top-up from its investors. Let's hope they were right on the money.

The past week also saw some really thought-provoking movies - The best of which was the intense biopic 'Bhaag Milkha Bhaag'. One movie that I will want to watch and review on my blog soon.

And for those nostalgic about their college days, you have 'Sixteen'. Maybe I could convince myself to watch that too?

And if you think it was not possible, our industrial production shrunk by 1.6% !! I'll let you marinate in that thought.

Malala spoke. The world sat up and listened. How a selfless child like that survived all this while in a God-forsaken country like Pakistan is a miracle in itself. Malala is proof that humanity is not a lost cause.

I've got dibs on the front seat.

While I was away... 2014!

October 8, 2014, 2:07 am

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Have you ever wondered why seemingly smart people make rules that don't seem to be so smart?
This month our apex bank, Reserve Bank of India, passed a law that said you can only make limited number of free cash withdrawals from ATMs. Defeats the purpose of having such a convenience if you are going to get charged for every withdrawal. This reminds me of the charge fee that Bank of America charged on their credit card holders. Time for an online campaign that could save all of us tons of money.

Talking about banks, cops caught the president of a regional cooperative bank for a Rs100 crore fraud. Beat that!

Modi continued to be the flavor of the season this month. Apparently, vacation's over for the country's highest-paid lazy-bums. Lok Sabha attendance jumped 104%. Finally!

While I still am not his biggest fan and didn't vote for him, I still think he is the smartest and the most promising politician to head the country and it's grossly unfair to question his motives and promises for the Acche Din. We stood by and watched Sonia and her unholy batch of political misfits loot and plunder trillions of dollars of wealth in the last decade. But suddenly we all want instant results. Zapp! Just like that. If we wanted progress why did we put up with those bunch of nincompoops for the last decade. 

The Gandhi clan are planning a well-deserved vacation after their infamous drubbing. The more I think about the quagmire that is Indian Politics, the more I am convinced we need a limit on the number of political terms a person can occupy the top seat a'la the US.
But not before accusing Modi of stealing their spotlight. I know what you mean. So that was the spotlight? 
And what is with Rahul and his obsession with women's empowerment? 

Modi on the other hand has been all over the place. Putting out fires at home and building bridges out in his first 100 days as the Prime Servant of India. Pride!

He gave what will be remembered as one of the best Independence Day and the most 'chest-swelling in pride Bharat Mata Ki Jai' speech at the UN.
At the I-Day speech, he scrapped a bunch of redundant laws and ditched the Planning Commission (which wasn't planning much anyway). He also made quite an impression with his nation-wide televised address to children on Teacher's Day.

Arun Jaitley had a 'foot in mouth' moment as he mocked the now (in)famous December 16 rape. Its a pity and a travesty of justice that we still have politicians that can talk this way. 

Meanwhile, it was all sour grapes for his political opponents (read Sonia G and Co.). 
Modi made the right noises at Nepal, , Japan and the US. It all summed up pretty well when a Congressman in the US Senate asked an Indian Journalist 'So you had to hold an election to choose this guy over Rahul?!". Take notes, Sonia.
And oh yeah, he also managed to get summons from a little known councilman in the US. Reminds me of a proverb in Malayalam 'No matter how mighty you are, a scorpion sting can still hurt'. But alas, as the Prime Minister, he enjoys immunity. Pray what immunity the Congress has?

The neighbor's house is restless too! It almost appears like Imran Khan can't wait to get married. 

With local legislative elections in major North Indian States, BJP is back into 'Mode: Election'. Enthused by its recent (and unprecedented) success, BJP appeared confident. Perhaps a little too confident? Because it lost the plot in UP to an old foe. Allegations and accusations flew fast and thick. 

Talking about thick, Amma finally got the 'Go to Jail' card, after 18 long years. The ruffians in Tamil Nadu ran amok. I think she was (quite literally) just the biggest and dumbest fish in the pond. What I am waiting for is Sonia G and her mutant bunch of cronies to be arrested, jailed and forever disqualified from politics. Now that will be epic.

Moving on to World News, threats flew back and forth between Russia and the Rest of the World. Gaza continued to burn Uncle Sam decides to wear the sheriff's badge once again.  The US also determined that it was time to go back in and complete what it should have done decades ago - eliminate terrorism in the Middle East. Why you ask? Well, if there is anything movies like Iron Man has taught you, it is that someone has to buy arms and ammunition from America. Where would the US be if it weren't for all the problems in the Middle East? 

But if you thought the Americans truly wanted peace, you couldn't be more wrong. The US will make all the right noises, do all the posturing and promise us eternal peace but knowing how the Americans have always left things half-done, I doubt if this is the last we've heard about the ISIS. Made up of officers of the former Saddam regime, the ISIS has been on a beheading spree. For the muslim lunatics, everyday is a bakrid.
Like the LTTE and the Al Qaeda, the ISIS is a ruthlessly efficient multi-tiered organisation that is fueled by the same things that makes the Americans drool - Oil. 
Its not that the US can't do the job, but it's just that they don't have the will-power to see through it.  
So in the last fortnight, we've seen how patriot missiles have pounded much of the infrastructure to kingdom com and then there has been expensive gaffes as well. Rookie Iraqi pilots air-dropped arms and supplies meant for the rebels to the militants! Good show. Just what Uncle Sam wanted - More weapons sold! 

India promised the US a larger pie of its multi-billion dollar defence budget. Back home, we have been making huge strides in technology ourselves. We test-fired the Akash and even left one of our live missiles unguarded at a South Korean port for 10 whole months! Pakistan, please note.
And the US 'killed' a secret experimental hypersonic weapon that can reach targets anywhere in the world within 30 minutes. Gulp!

Meanwhile, a commuter plane crashed in an highway in Tehran and an Indigo aircraft caught fire while landing.
In more tidbits of news about the ill-fated Malaysian Airways MH370, recent findings suggests that the aircraft may have turned south-bound earlier than presumed, which now means the search areas will widen. Meanwhile, families of the victims have announced a massive reward for anybody with valuable information on this aircraft and its passengers & crew.

And we had an unidentified plane in Mumbai.
After coaxing and encouraging India's space agency to set higher goals and achieve better, ISRO made us all proud by being the first and only country to put a satellite in Martian orbit in its first attempt. Working on a shoe-string budget (which incidentally cost less than the Hollywood movie Gravity), we did the impossible. Now, the hypocrite among us will complain about the money we had to spend on an interplanetary mission when we still have to sort out the mess back home, here's the answer - a mission like this proves that we have the technology and the engineering capability to achieve excellence. Technology lessons learnt from space missions and Formula One and the 'God Particle' experiments have helped us make huge strides in inventing and improving everyday technology. Besides, to be the only country to be able to do this in its first attempt is simply awe-inspiring. 

In this month's 'Let's give a moment of silence' section, Hollywood lost 3 of its legends. 

Sir Richard Attenborough, who needs no description. 
Robin Williams, lost the his battle to depression and killed himself. And Lauren Bacall. 
May God give their loved ones the grace to find peace with this loss.

In home news, get ready to be scammed the next time you visit a local mall/grocer in Bangalore, because your wallet is about to get a lot lighter. 
And if you have trouble reaching the cops the old-fashioned way, try tweeting your troubles. It worked for this gentleman.

India's greatest symbol of non-cooperation after Gandhi, Irom Sharmila, was released from prison. The celebration was short-lived because she was arrested again. Decades after we won our freedom through peace non-cooperation in style, I am amazed at how petrified and paranoid we are about letting others practice it.

And much to the joy of Modi and the chagrin of Sonia G, Congress puppet and disgraced former Delhi Chief Minister Sheila Dikshit resigned as the Governor of Kerala. Saved us a whole lot of drama, if you ask me. 

With the holiday season upon us, and spurred by the insane discounts of it's deep-pocketed rivals in the last couple of months, Air India announced tickets at Rs 100. And true to the reputation of most government websites, the AI website crashed soon after Rs100 offer: 

With the way his former colleagues have been writing 'tell-all' books, I doubt if Manmohan Singh is enjoying his quiet sunset years with books. 

Apple's mantra is 'If you can't outsell them, ban them'. Thankfully, the courts didn't agree with this. 

In 'Weird enough to be News' news,
Read about some hard love in Erotic Erosion. 
UP rapists to walk free.
After famously supporting Indian cricket, Poonam Pandhey cheered for FIFA and did the Ice Bucket challenge. I'd like to b*tchslap the idiot who nominated her in the first place.
Diageo Board appoints Malya as Chairman with one caveat: He must clear the wilful defaulter tag to stay in the position. Checkmate! I bet he didn't see this coming.
Pistoris (aka The Blade Runner) was convicted of culpable homicide and will be sentenced. And that's how the world lost an otherwise gifted athlete. 
Hundreds of coal blocks that were illegally auctioned by the previous Congress-led coalition government were cancelled because of gross violations of rules. And the plot just got thicker here..

The world had no shortage of smut this past month, when a hacker stole 1000s of (nude) selfies of Hollywood actresses from Apple's iCloud. Lessons learnt?
One of India's 'leading' national newspaper, Times of India rehashed a photograph of Deepika Padukone and ran looped video montages of her cleavage to reveal her 'inner strength' on Twitter. To saute insult to injury, TOI even complimented her cleavage.
What followed was pure anarchy. Hell hath no fury like a scorn of a Bollywood actress! 
Poonam Pandhey must be really upset everyone snubbed her ample and overflowing 'inner strength'.

In 'Things you need to watch out for' section, 
Modi put his weight behind the RuPay. Way to Go!
Watch out for ebola. With recent studies showing how the virus has already mutated atleast once, things are suddenly getting out of hand. Thousands have already died in the outbreak and with the way India's (and most of the developing countries') medical infrastructure is grossly under-prepared for a crisis like this, we cannot afford to slip. Do whatever it takes to spread the awareness and stop this epidemic.
We also got a first peep into what could be new traffic rules. 
Watch out for yet another over-hyped Indian blockbuster starring Rajnikanth. 
Pakistan arrested the gunmen who attacked Malala. Knowing how unstable the country is, I think the prisons are the safest places to be. 

I'd previously posted a video documentary on how young girls are trafficked from the impoverished North East. This news only proves that there are a lot of people who do the utterly thankless job of making sure women have the right to a dignified life. 

One of the greatest irony in India today is how our courts (and society) believes marital rape is okay but pre-marital consensual sex is rape. Today, 1000s of women use this legal sword to make sure the men they are having sex with, will marry them.
Case in point: Union Railway Minister and former Karnataka Chief Minister DV Sadanand's son was served with a lawsuit after his (ex) girlfriend accused him of raping her after promising to marry her. 
What I can't understand is, 
One- why would she wait this long before she files the case, and 
Two - What does she expect to achieve from this? Notoriety? Maybe. Does she expect him to marry her and live the life of the privileged political bahu? I don't think so.

In another instance of our double-standards, we all pounced on Swetha Basu when she was busted in a prostitution ring. While I can't support her for the decisions she's made, I applaud her for the courage she's shown to be honest and come clean. Bravo!

And then we have more brave-hearts than we'd like to admit. Enter Sarita Devi. Indian Boxer. Stung like a bee, yet took the high road. While the International boxing federation AIBA let her off with a slap in the wrist, I hope this doesn't snuff out the flame inside her. I admit I didn't know much about her until this happened, but when this did, I googled for and watched the recording of the match and saw how wrong the referee was. Nepotism in sport (or anything else for that matter) isn't new and as Indians we resign ourselves to this fact of living. We could all argue till we are blue around the gills about the right way to have fought this injustice. But the truth is - she did what she had to do, because it mattered to her. She sacrificed her time away from her new born and her family for her career. She lost the match. To us, she is just another medal statistic. For Sarita, this is the fruit of her toil snatched away. The metal on the medal doesn't matter. The validation does. 

In a few years from now, and in future matches, we will look out for Sarita. Because we know she is passionate about what she does.

Since my last post and now, the Scots have debated and finally decided to stay within the United Kingdom. The Brits let out a huge collective sigh of relief. It was a close call though. 

Saving the best for last, here's an interesting statistic: Between the time you woke up today and the time you drag your tired body (and mind) back to bed, 92 Indian women were raped.
Today it was some random lady/girl/child. You don't know her. You'll probably never cross paths with her. Today this is just a statistic for you. 
Tomorrow it could be your mother/sister/wife/daughter/girlfriend.
I'll let that sink in.

GoodBye.

*Creative Visualization!

October 15, 2014, 6:48 am

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Any news is Good News! Atleast when it comes to advertisements. 

An average Indian is bombarded with atleast 5 different fairness cream ads, 2 different two-wheeler advts, 3 different soft-drink advts, 3 instant-food advts, 2 new car advts, and 3 jewelry advts during prime time. 

Many of these advts are mediocre and would've never seen the light of day if we had stricter legislature. But hey! This is India. The land of free speech and suppressed libidos.

Take a dekho at my list of the most atrocious 20 seconds in Indian television here... 

While I was away... November 2014!

December 8, 2014, 4:02 am

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Take a seat.. this will take a while.

The other day I was on my way to work and I saw a smart young techie in his mid-sized economy sedan. Now we are all stuck in this kilometer long traffic that was barely moving and every other motorist decides to wait it out. Except for this chap. He is fuming! He starts honking like he's got a coronary valve about to explode. 
The motorist in front of him gets furious and doesn't budge an inch while the rest of us zip past him. 
I couldn't help but laugh at the way his impatience got the better of him. 
This is a scene that gets repeated at every rush hour in every road in Bangalore err. Bengaluru. I so want to buy a bumper sticker that reads - Honk if you know you are an Asshole! But I digress.

Earlier this month, desi etailer and India's answer to the Amazon announced the 'Big Billion Sale'. It was the perfect bait. Indians love a bargain and we actually salivate at the sound of the words - 'Big' and 'Sale'. And we all waited for 8 am on the 6th of October. The rest as they say is history. There was a sucker born every second and we all got 'flipkarted'. The euphoria didn't last. Sachin and Binny Bansal should have known better than to promise us a bargain and deny it. Couch shoppers vent their fury online and the Government decided to look into consumer complaints.

Meanwhile, Amazon India and the Future Group announced a tie-up that will retail Future Group's merchandise on Amazon's etail platform. Checkmate, Flipkart!

But not everyone got jacked. Employees at the Hari Krishna Exports Pvt Ltd, Surat got their Diwali bonuses and how! Its owner Savjibhai Dholakia announced a bonus of Rs 4 lakh each to buy a flat, car or jewelry. 

But that was not all. Smriti Irani, Union HRD Minister, also gave away saris to each woman in Amethi.  

Gauhar got slapped. Twitter didn't crash. #DoubleStandards #InnerStrength

There is something chronically ill about our sense of entitlement. Some of our bright young entrepreneurs felt we need to protest through a kiss. Now, in theory, I can understand how we should protest against moral policing, but do we really have to kiss to do that? To me, kissing is such an intimate act and something that you'd do to express your love to another person. Maybe it works in socially progressive societies, but in a country like ours,

where we frown upon couples who intertwine their hands in public, how could you expect change when you kiss in front of 100s of other people. So by banning the KOL, we have again proved ourselves right that we are grand hypocrites who will ogle and re-watch the shit out of movies like Murder and Jism where the lead couple make out onscreen but when it comes to mere mortals, suddenly you'll find all kinds of indecency laws coming alive from the woodwork. But that said, we are still not ready for an event like this because the Kiss of Love in India only feeds the voyeurs who will take a picture of these couples for their 'private consumption'.

And if you are looking for more discrimination, all roads lead to Aligarh Muslim University who for decades didn't allow women into its library because that would lead to '4 times the boys'. What a bunch of prudes!

And at the other end of the spectrum, some of our cops did want the women dance to their tunes. Now, this is what I call the long arms of the law!

In between clocking all those frequent flier miles, PM Modi rounded up his motley crew of political allies and told them how their tasks have just begun. Really?! Can we have some accountability too?

After calling Modi a mass murderer for years, its fascinating to see the American volte-face. O called Modi 'The Man of Action'. Our 'onsite PM' even managed a diplomatic coup by inviting Barack Obama to attend the Republic Day parade.
Mr O, one piece of advice: Please don't let the women in your family take the cabs when you are here #NoCountryForWomen.

Union Finance Minister, Arun Jaitley, touched the hearts of the nurses when he gave a hand-written 'Thank You' note to all the nurses who cared for him while he was in the hospital.

And Mamata's brother beat up a zoo staffer for not allowing him and his entourage into a zoo. If anything everyone will forget about this and nothing will ever change.

Meanwhile, the Supreme Court sentenced 5 men to life in prison for raping a BPO employee back in 2010. Terming the 5 married men as 'beasts who were prowling the streets for a soft target to satiate their sexual thirst', this should be a precedent to how future sexual crimes should be treated.

After promising to probe and bring up billions of dollars in black money stashed in dozens of countries abroad, the Modi government finally submitted a list of 627 people to the Supreme Court. Many of them resident Indians and the rest non-residents. While the government will bask on the glory of having come this far, I'll wait before I celebrate. How much of this will be brought back and put to good use? Your guess is as good as mine.
We broke the impasse over a key WTO pact and all is business as usual with Russia.

The UN owes us over $110 million in unpaid dues for our peacekeeping operations. Now that's some serious moolah!

True to our tradition of being tolerant to nations left behind at the sidewalk, we pledged $4 million to rebuild Gaza. Respect!

But there has been a good lot of decision-making too. The government approved 33 long-pending defense manufacturing projects #MakeInIndia.
The Modi government also identified over 1000 archaic laws that will be axed over the next couple of months. 

In more 'feel-good' news, Tata Group's Land Rover has become the only Indian-owned entity to make it to the 100 most valuable brand in the world. Suck on that, Ambani! Oh and Ambu, your private jet has been acting cranky. Please check.

Indian bureaucracy is like quick sand. You can't sink if you won't struggle. The thing is, this is easier said than done. Australian Terry Walsh, India's hockey coach, threw his hands up in frustration and quit.

In political news from elsewhere, Japanese PM Shinzo Abe accepted responsibility for corruption within his cabinet and replaced 2 ministers who swindled millions of Yen to influence and buy votes for his government. Neither Ministers accepted responsibility for their actions.
Across the border, Benazir's idiot son Bilawal showed signs of puberty. And like any irritated teenager he ranted about Kashmir. But I bet he didn't see how he could be booed and heckled at a party's anti-India rally in London. We woke up the angry young man. Rahul thinks angry people are running the country. Why don't you put your pacifier back and mommy will sing some Italian lullabies for you. We have Rahul, they have Bilawal. Same to Same.

And after several incursions and dozens dead, our defense minister warned Pakistan of the pain if it persists with violations.
Closer home, Mamata is like the puny little uncouth brat with the uncanny ability to survive like a roach after a nuclear strike. With growing dissent, and unless she decides to pull a fast one, her days are numbered too. The last month, PM Modi warned her against inaction on the Burdwan blasts. One of the pitfalls of being such a populous nation is that, our lives are expendable. 

China declared war on HK protesters. No surprises there.
And His Royal Crappiness Kim Jong Un appeared in public for the first time in more than 6 weeks. Hell must have a landfill named after people like him.

The US-led coalition (of the willing!) finally decided to target ISIS targets after a string of beheadings. With a history of not completing the job they set out for, this would not end well for anyone. 

Sarita Devi, who shot to fame after the way she protested the decision that cost her a medal at the CWG, was suspended by the AIBA. Ouch! The price of dissent.
A student in the southern State of Kerala, was jailed after being caught 'disrespecting' the national anthem. While you might be outraged that this could happen in a country which immortalizes the freedom of speech and expression, I am appalled at how we 'unpatriotic' we as a society are.

In more Ebola news, the WHO declared Nigeria ebola-free after 42 days of incubation and the news that there hasn't been any new infections in that country. 

In what can be termed as medical miracle, a paralyzed man started walking after a path-breaking medical procedure that brings hope to millions of paraplegics around the world.

Pope Francis was in the news. A lot. For all the right reasons, he is the Pope that the Vatican needed 50 years ago.
As usual, another Baba Baba Black Sheep, Rampal, was in the news for all the wrong reasons.

Starting this month, we'll have the DILLIGAF section.. 

• Many of you might have heard about the NY Times cartoon lampooning ISRO after we put Mangalyaan into the Martian orbit. And then in our own distasteful way, we pointed fingers back at NASA when one of their cargo ships exploded shortly after launch. And then we had a dozen other conspiracy theories and hoaxes circulating the web. None the wiser.
• When there isn't too many real achievements, it is time for us to celebrate the mediocre and unusual. So when the newly appointed Defense Minister (and former Chief Minister of Goa) traveled 'cattle class', that made news. The Congress celebrated Nehru's 125th birth anniversary.
• PM Modi kickstarted the 'Swache Bharat' movement and did the ice-bucket. Nice effort but look outside your air-conditioned offices and you'll see educated, socially-aware youngsters litter and spit. These are the same people who will forward the 'Swache Bharat' message on Whatsapp and the same glorious idiots who will jump the red light, ride their motorbikes on the pedestrian footpath and the cut the barricades to take a illegal thoroughfare. Hypocrites!
• The Congress fired its most famous twitterati and MP Shashi Tharoor for 'praising and supporting' Modi's campaign. The first sign of a rot from within is when organisations try to muffle voices of dissent and criticism. 
• ....and protected its prodigal son (in law) from fire. 
• Yeddy got fingered, again and Shashi might get the roast.
• Indian MPs in the grand old tradition of being treated like royalty vent their fury against our National Airline, for being treated like a commoner. Gosh! The torture they go through for us. 
• Down south, a Bangalore top cop found it disrespectful that he wasn't allowed entry a prestigious Club because he didn't have his membership card. All hell broke lose! 
• Jayalalitha left her jail in style. All hail Ram Jethmalani !! The pittance that the court ordered her to be paid is a farce.
• Five Indian fisherman were also pardoned by Sri Lanka. Hero's welcome! 
• And back in China, a man who made his millions when the government bought his land drives his BMW to his job as a sanitation worker. If this was an Indian, he would have built his third bungalow on encroached land and bought his second Land Rover by now.
• So, vegetarian men may live a decade longer than the meat-eaters, but recent studies have shown that they have lower sperm count. 
• 10 standup comedians vied for the title of the 'World's Funniest Person'. Applause!
• A Saudi's US wife filed for divorce over email after being denied the right to see her kids.
• Monica Lewinsky, the most famous Whitehouse intern to date, revealed that her affair with Bill Clinton cost her her integrity and reputation, in her first speech in 13 years when she joined Twitter. Well, atleast it gave us plenty of fodder for jokes since.
• A US court allowed a human rights group to challenge the American government's 'suggestion of immunity' in a case against PM Modi. More drama. Oh this in the same year that India is re-elected to the UN Human Rights Council. 
• And the UN questioned Israel on claims of abuse against Palestinians. Predictably, Israel defended its record. That's right, gentlemen. Let us all believe that.
• A fraudster, who conned his elderly neighbor out of £40,000, faked being in a coma for two years in a bid to avoid being punished for the crime. 
• Prince William and his wife Kate is expecting their second child, who will be fourth in line to the British throne, and is due in April 2015. Right On! 
• PM Modi 'invoked'Nehru and Gandhi and hit Level 10 on the Indian sycophancy meter. 
• Like a cockroach trying to get out of a flooding drain, AAP led the 'Swachh Raajneeti' or 'clean politics' in the run up to the polls in Haryana. Oh and not one to be outdone, the BJP used the Modi card and won. Touche` With the wave of anti-Congress rippling across the nation, it appears we will have political stability after decades of turmoil. The only problem is BJP's victory has also become one of its biggest albatrosses. With a motley group of fractured parties in the opposition, Modi will have to deploy all of his political acumen to have any of his bills passed. This is going to be a long session.
• So while the BJP was on a winning streak in the legislative elections, the Congress, err... not so much. MNS lost its status as a regional party and ate humble papdi chaat.
• The Shiv Sena cuddled up to the BJP and snuggled like long lost lovers. Oh I missed you so much, honey! After stiff lobbying, Haryana and Maharasthra got their first BJP chief ministers. 
• Next up: Jammu & Kashmir.
• And the flavor of the month was Priyanka Chopr.. er Gandhi. All hail the Dynasty.

Shweta Basu was released from the remand home and allowed to stay with her family in Mumbai. What surprises me is how we have had no qualms about dragging her reputation through the gutters when her 'high-profile clients' go Scot-free. I wish Shweta well and I hope she has the courage to come out stronger and not become an sad obituary tomorrow.
But if we believed defaming her will kill the world's oldest profession, we are fools. Supply is driven by demand after all. It is time we thought of bringing the millions in the sex trade into a legalized framework where they can be a part of the accounted workforce. The National Women's Commission (NCW) placed a proposal to legalize prostitution before a SC panel but considering how coy we are about this, I wouldn't hold my breath for a verdict anytime soon.

In a fit of misplaced linguistic pride, the central government ordered Kendriya Vidyalayas across the country to replace German with Sanskrit language classes. The SC and the German consulate had to step in and slap common sense into the government.

Indian army estimates more than 2000 terrorists are waiting to cross into India. Well, give them all an Aadhaar card and let them live the Indian dream.
Oscar Pistorius is 'genuinely remorseful'. Remorse can't bring back the dead and won't heal wounds. This should be a reminder that a violent history has a tendency of catching up.

Hitler was a meth addict. Here's a toast for the 5 minutes that you wasted.

The subcontinent got some worldwide recognition when the Nobel committee awarded the 2014 Peace Prize to the Pakistani schoolgirl Malala Yousufzai and Indian activist Kailash Satyarthi. Much brouhaha followed and Malala released her book. While I subscribe to her cause, I wonder how she deserved it. Giving her the Peace prize is like giving the Param Veer Chakra for fighting a stray dog. A year ago, when she was shot to be killed, the world adopted her. Since then, I don't see how Malala has improved the welfare of the people she left behind. The villagers are still being hunted down, girls are still living perilous lives in a country that is being run by armed goons and brainless idiots. Ideally, a prize like the Nobel is (and should be) awarded in recognition of efforts past and plans future. As much as we fawn over her, what Malala has done barely meets either. Somehow, I feel the Nobel committee treats the Peace prize as a political brownie point that is given away for good behavior. On the other hand, Kailash has had a proven track record of rescuing and protecting children who would have otherwise lived horrible lives or died trying. 
Past recipients like Obama (who was nominated in the year he became the US Prez) smacks of political favoritism. Besides starting new wars instead of stopping it, I pray how Obama has contributed to world peace then or since.

So we all know how corruption and nepotism is prevalent in the corridors of power. The greater the power, the tougher to resist the fruits of corruption. However, earlier this month, when I read how Hunter Biden, US Vice President's son was thrown out of the navy for using cocaine, I thought to myself 'Gee, this can never happen in India'.

Diwali is also one of those times of the year when the cash registers start ringing. 
We had Farah Khan's Happy New Year, starring Shah Rukh Khan and Deepika Padukone.

Need I say more? Their last outing together gave us the terrible terrible Chennai Express. There is nothing happy or new about HNY. This is atrocious and like nearly all of SRK's movies in the past many years is something you watch only if you are sucker for extreme torture and cruelty. The story-line as kitschy as a gypsy's underwear, the premise as fragile as dried dog poop and the acting will make you cringe in embarrassment. SRK looks like a hairless chimp with shriveled face.
SRK: Please retire. 
Deepika: hmmm.. Nevermind. 
My Rating: 0.02

Bang Bang. Another movie that came out this month which went kaput! There isn't any semblance of a story-line and you should be flogged for indecency if you were lured by the posters, which by the way has Katrina Kaif (famous for the way she orgasms at the drop of a particular brand of mango juice) showing her lingerie. 
When scantily-clad Indian actresses intertwine themselves with macho men, that's art. When Aamir Khan stands buff, let's set the lunatics with their pitchforks free. 
My Rating: 0.02

But be sure to catch Haider. May not be a blockbuster but definitely, one of those few Indian movies that has been made well. 
My Rating: 8.0

And this past month, millionaire banker, Tory advisor, member and supporter of Countryside Alliance Sir David Scholey shot himself into infamy when he was photographed with a lion he killed for game. 

Our own 'Srini Saar' acquitted himself and demanded that he be appointed as the head of BCCI. And if you ever wondered why he's being clinging on like a starved leech, here's the math - BCCI being the cash cow that it is, ICC is like the Principal's office (nothing much of value in there) but the BCCI is like the treasure chest. But with the SC dousing any such aspirations, this is going to be a long winter for him.

In this month's 'Let's give a moment of silence' section,
The head of Iran's top Islamic clerical body Ayatollah Mohammad passed away after lying in a coma for several months. Let's wait for the next radical loony toon. 

The Securities and Exchange Board of India (Sebi) barred India’s largest real estate developer DLF Ltd and six officials, including chairman K.P. Singh, from accessing the capital markets for three years after finding them guilty of engaging in fraudulent and unfair trade practices. Chances are the convicted will still continue to run these corporations through proxies.
And talking about proxies, Mukesh Ambani appointed his children to the boards of his telecom and retail businesses. Incredible India : The land of the rising children!

Sahara's beleaguered chief Subrata Roy will remain in prison, after his company failed to rustle up funds for his release. The higher they are, the harder they fall.

But if you are wondering where all that money is going, look skyward. Air India has been spending millions every year insuring aircrafts that haven't flown in years. Right stuff!

Bangalore used to be called the City of Lakes and Pensioner's Paradise. I've got a new one for it - 'Delhi of the South'. In the 3rd (unofficially this number could be in the high 3 digits) instance in the past 4 months, a 3 year old girl was raped inside a private school during school hours. And between the time I wrote this and when you've read it, atleast a few hundred more women have been molested, raped or touched inappropriately.

Relatives and loved ones of trekkers who were killed in a Japanese volcano eruption mourned over the loss. Many of them left their last moments on film.

Nirbhay, India's answer to the US Cruise missile was test-fired successfully. As the raging debate of priorities go, I lean towards a nation that should work on economic and social security and can't accept it when we still spend billions of dollars on arms and ammunition. Sure, we share porous borders with neighbors who want to fight us. But so does every other country in the world. Why we can't make all these weapons at home? We have the brains, the brawn and the bitumen.

In this month's 'Interesting News of the month' section, 

• ...check out interesting graveyards here.
• One more reason for Indians to have their chest swell up in pride. We finally have a strong scientific presence in the Arctic. Let's get busy!
• In a sign of the times, a Detroit man has put up an advt where he is willing to sell his house in exchange for an iPhone. Living the American Dream. 
• Read about the Chinese farmer who refused to sell his land and ended up living in the middle of the highway.
• Want a patient ear and shoulder to cry on? Have 7 cups of tea.
• What do you have that beats the world's most powerful camera? Megapixels, baby. At 576 MP, your eye is more powerful than the Dark Energy Camera (DECam), which can take pictures of Dark Matter. Touche! 
• Read about the vanishing sand of our coastlines.. 
• Paranoid about your internet security? Read this then.. 
• Read about the man who 'loves' his cars and ...
• ...the epic response of a police man in court.

And in Ebola news, after bungling up the WHO finally declared it under control in Nigeria. Good for them.

...and this is what happens when you park your car overnight

The government ruled that tobacco vendors will no longer be allowed to sell cigarettes individually. Considering how millions of smokers buy cigarettes in one's and two's for their hourly nicotine fix, this could be the noose around the neck of tobacco companies. ITC and Godfrey Williams' stock plummeted.

Now, in something that will blow your shorts away, read about the wife who secretly recorded her husband's gay encounter and the newspaper article that revealed the identity of the husband. #NoLandForHusbands.

Watch out for Ze List v3.0, coming soon!
That's all, folks. 

Ze List v3.0

December 31, 2014, 5:33 am

≫ Next: As you liked it - January 2015

≪ Previous: While I was away... November 2014!

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In India, this is the day DJs live for. When clubs and pubs get to charge you outrageous ticket prices for their New Year bash and that time of year when hundreds of thousands of couples will copulate in liquor-fueled stupor. 

When businesses around the world (except in North Korea, Iraq and so on..) salivate at the prospect of making a profit. 

When B-grade (and some A-listers too when the price is right) Bollywood actresses will sashay, gyrate, thrust and jiggle their voluptuous silicon-filled body at C-grade Clubs. 

It's that brief moment in the year when husbands are allowed to drink their silly minds off and wives are allowed to relive their bachelorette days again. 

Its that day of the year when gyms will coax you to make that 'lose weight, get fit' resolution by dangling attractive discounts. And who are we kidding, you'll stop going to the gym in exactly 23 days from now.

Courtesy: Disparition by Bushra Almutawakel

The New Year is here! No matter where you are and what you do, we will all make our resolutions that we will all feign ignorance in a month from now. 

We are back to that time of the year when Lists are in vogue everywhere you see.. And yes, its time for Ze List v3.0.
This year, we again start off with The Master of the Universe..

God
In the midst of storms, He is still the balm we need. You may know Him as Allah, Shiva, Jesus, The Almighty and a million other names, but if there is one thing that I know it is that, there is someone watching over us while we run amok and it aint NSA. Thank you, Abba Father. We owe it all to you.

Kneejerk
No, it isn't about kneeing a jerk, but the way Indians reacted to events around them. 
Case in point: This year it was the Uber cab rape.
Last year our Supreme Court decided it was tinted car windows that caused our women to be raped and decided to ban it. In case you haven't noticed Mr Judge, women are still getting raped in cars with (and without) the sun-tints.
In nearly every rape that happens, our men take advantage of the cracks within the system, yet what happens across India is baffling. Instead of strengthening and enforcing existing rules and ensuring this cannot be repeated, our politicians simply turn off the fire alarm. 

So this the problem - we have idiots, who have absolutely no intellect or the will to change things the way they are, at the helm of affairs. 
Our patience is wearing thin, we didn't mind the millions that were looted up until our women started getting raped with impunity. 
In case you haven't already read this letter, Mr Modi, here it is. Please read and act on it. Don't ban mobiles and taxi cabs. We don't want nincompoops dictating our women not to wear jeans and tee-shirts. Don't tell us not to kiss or hold hands in public. What we want is you to take a break from all those trips abroad, sit down with the best minds in the country and create a road-map that will ensure our women will walk with their heads held high and without fear (the way Rabindranath Tagore wanted) and then create a powerful judiciary and law-enforcement system that will not spare the perpetrators. Make an example out of the rapists, not out of the victims.

Indian Sports
We did remarkably well at the Glasgow CWG, swooping up enough medals to keep us in the 5th position. Considering the paradigm shift in attitudes in the last couple of years, I wouldn't be surprised if we are in the 3rd place in the next CWG.
From Saina to Deepika, Jwala Gutta to Sarita, this year was replete with Indian women coming out of the kitchens and stepping onto podiums and the limelight in style. Bravo!

Saffron, Ahoy!
The Congress might have seen it coming. C'mon! We all saw it coming. 
The BJP won. And how! The Congress ran for shelter like roaches when you turn on the light. 
Gently and swiftly, Modi - From being a humble (yet ambitious) tea-seller in a railway station to being the most powerful Indian politician, he became the iPhone of the politicians. From coining interesting catch-phrases like #AccheDin, #SwaccheBharat and #MakeinIndia, the man surely knows how to say what we want to hear. 
Pedal to the metal, Mr Modi, let's walk the talk now.  

Congress (aka Sore Loser)
Didn't take it well. Well, what did they expect?! #IndiaShining

Rahul Gandhi
Hit puberty head-on. Was sent back to his Italian 'nanny'. May make guest appearances on an #AccheDin.

ISIS
Yop, you guessed it right. Out of the ashes of Al Qaeda, like a Phoenix rose IS. Makes the Taliban look like kinder-garden cops. The US took it upon themselves to step in.
They killed, mutilated and plundered with disregard. If you're reading this, you are far far away from the areas being sanitized by the 'coalition of the willing'.  

Khmer Rouge
The Khmer Rouge Tribunal found Nuon Chea and Khieu Samphan guilty of crimes against humanity and are sentenced to life imprisonment. While justice delayed is justice denied, I hope this sets a precedent to future cases of war crimes and crimes against humanity. 


Israel
Went overboard. 

Malala
Continued to be the flavor of the year after getting one half of the Nobel Peace Prize. Enroute to being the rich author and future Benazir Bhutto. Epic waste!

eCommerce
Billion dollar companies began fighting for the billion dollar pie - India.

Low Cost Airlines 
So talking about low cost airlines, Kingfisher Airlines breathed its last. Malya will live to regret his arrogance. SpiceJet ran out of spices. Temporarily.
Air Asia flew in and muddied the pond a little more. It was a year of tickets that were cheaper than a Happy Meal at McDonald's.

Rajnikanth/SRK/Deepika

Ouch! That hurt!

Three 'Superstars'. Three words: Terrible Terrible Movies. 
Like love-struck teenagers, we still watched their atrocious movies and then complained about it. 
Advice: Please retire/act in equally crappy television serials.

ISRO
From launching cutting-edge space satellites to being the only country in the world to put a martian satellite in orbit in its maiden effort, ISRO put us on the map in style.
Next: A manned space mission.
And oh yeah, bunch of hypocrites complained at how we could have used that money to build toilets and stuff. 
Advice: Please go watch Linga and Chennai Express and have a Happy New Year.

Sarita Devi
Unlikely entry into Ze List. If she was an American boxer, she would have been the highest-paid celebrity by now and South Korea would have been nuked. 
She isn't, so the Koreans will live to die another day.

Ebola
Not another fancy schmazy phone from Apple. Just another reminder that we shouldn't mess with Nature.

Jayalalitha
20 years later, the court found her guilty of amassing wealth beyond her known means. Duh! 
She was fined Rs100 crores. She would've paid her gang of lawyers more than that to fight her case already. Ram Jethmalani ko jai!

Subroto 

True everywhere else too..

So the Sahara Chief is still stuck in jail like that stubborn piece of grime that refuses to go down the bathroom drain. Out of favor, out of flavor.

Spain Ola!
King Juan Carlos I of Spain abdicated in favor of his son, who was crowned King Felipe VI.

Vatican
The Pope was busy canonizing and beatifying cardinals and past Popes this year. 

Boko Haram
Reduced the population at Gamboru Ngala. Kidnapped and held 276 girls hostage. People who perpetrate these kind of crimes must be stoned to death.

MV Sewol 
The South Korean ferry capsized and sunk killing 304 people (mostly school children).

Airplane!
Wasn't a good year for airlines. The MH370 went missing shortly after take-off, and hasn't been found yet. 
Another Malaysian Airlines MH17 was shot down in Ukraine killing all onboard. 
Air Algérie Flight 5017 crashed in Mali, again, killing all 116 people on board.
An Air Asia flight from Indonesia crashed midway to Singapore. Preliminary investigations revealed the pilots didn't follow standard weather checks pre-flight. 

Irom Sharmila
Was released, and promptly re-arrested. Touche`

Sheila Ki Jawani
The former iron lady from Delhi went out of flavor just like that.

Popular (non) Fiction
All the Queen's parrots sang like a canary and out tumbled the skeletons from the cupboard.

Ice Bucket

What a novel way to see people wet themselves! My personal favorite was the way Poonam Pandhey did it.

Oscar Pistoris
...Got the finger! What a waste of good talent.

Supreme Court
Woke up and in a flurry of the pen banned/changed a couple of things this past year. Meh!

Hackers Galore!
We all got to see free smut and dirt cheap Hollywood movies. How good are we!

Rape Central
Sexual abuse isn't endemic to India. There are only a few nations in the world where women are truly free and safe. Yet, the callous way we dealt with women who were ruthlessly victimized showed us in poor light. From being raped and hung from trees to being branded liars, our women didn't have it easy this year. 
But if you don't want to be raped, then all you need is this Rape Mantra. 

FIFA
The world's favorite ball-game played out in grandeur. 
Germany waltzed out with the cup.

Shiv Sena
From being in power for decades to being routed out of oblivion, life has come full circle.

Times of India
Its not always that a 'leading' newspaper gets an entry into the Ze List, but TOI did it in style this year. From newspapers that weigh half a kilo because of the pages of adverts in them to glorifying cleavage just because a bored photojournalist wanted his daily scoop, TOI did it all this year.

Ukraine/Iraq/Assam/Syria/Afghanistan/Egypt/Pakistan/Sydney

Disillusioned citizens took up arms and the law into their hands. Violence spilled over from the last year and we lost thousands of innocent people to overzealous religious goons.
Why does the world erupt in anger when bunch of bastards attack and kill 100s of school children in Peshawar but remain silent when the same happens in Assam? First come, first served?
Where was Malala when this happened?
Will her Nobel Prize inspire parents to send their children to schools again?

Shashi Tharoor
Much married and now widowed, this guy has the uncanny ability to stay relevant. While he is celebrated and feted in Kerala, outside of 'God's own country', its easy to see him for what he is. A clever as a fox politician (albeit a slightly highly educated one) with more clout than you and I can imagine. 

Michael Schumacher
After being in a medically-induced coma for several months, he finally appears to be back. Let's hope the racing legend makes a complete recovery soon.

Snowden
Continues to be the speck in Uncle Sam's eye.

Robert Vadra
The richest Son-In-Law in India. The most talented investment manager in the planet - He made millions with just a couple of lakh Rupees. So if you ask me, we need to fete him and not fret him.

Polio-free India

A symbol of what we can achieve when we make our minds up. 

Ambassador Out!
The iconic Indian car (and the best taxi in the world) rolled into the sunset. 

Devyani Khobragade
Who?!

Polls 
India rocked the vote. En masse.
Moral of the story: Don't screw with us. We might deliver.

AAP
2012: AAP sweeps India
2013: AAP sweeps Delhi
2014: AAP swept away.

Baba Baba Black Sheep
Our sordid affair with seedy godmen continued. After Nithyanand and Ramdev, its Rampal who was in the news this year.

IPL
A year after an organized betting ring was busted, India Cements CEO and CSK owner Srinivasan continued to wield a strangle-hold over BCCI and ICC. 

Visa On Arrival
Modi went around the world promising first world nations a visa on arrival. Well, Mr Prime Minister, what they need is not a visa on arrival, but security and peace of mind after they've arrived. #RapeCentral.

Religious Conversions
The last quarter of the year saw the lunatics at RSS organize a 'Ghar Wapsi'(Homecoming) for people who 'went' to other faiths. 
My question here is: Examine the reasons why they switch faiths in the first place?
Religious conversions aren't new in India. We've had foreign invaders convert their 'subjects' for centuries now. When social minorities relent to embrace another religion, they do it only because they were marginalized already. 
Churches and overpaid television evangelists across India and the world continue to coerce and convert the 'unfaithful' with many false promises and pipe-dreams. So while involuntary conversions are always a bad thing, politicians should remember that we already have strong legislature banning it in our Constitution. What was missing is the will-power to enforce it.

These are images that you'll never ever see in the Western media

A more pertinent question is : Have we run out of real issues to fix?

Cuba
US-Cuban relationships thawed! The best thing to happen this year.

Russia
Was ranked 2nd in The Economist's 2014 Crony-Capitalism index. With the way the Russian economy has been crumbling, this could be the sinkhole that will take the world down. 

'Satyam' Raju
Years after B Ramalinga Raju was caught for massive accounting fraud in the erstwhile Satyam, the Supreme Court got ready to sentence him. In a country where politicians co-habit with businessmen, Raju will be the one that fell between the cracks. 

Delhi
#RapeCentral became Crime Capital of India.

Elton John
The flamboyant British singer married his long-term partner David Furnish. 
Three Cheers to the couple!

Mamata Di
I hope she's saving up for a rainy day, because with the way she has been running the government in West Bengal, this will be the last time she'll be in power. 

KimK
So The Kardashian is back in news this year and how! 
Beginning with a 'leaked' sex-tape, a reality show, a 'made-for-tv' marriage, an inter-racial marriage and now this, Kim is proof that you don't need too many skills to stay relevant. 

It's Black, It's White..
While Uncle Sam is out policing the world, trouble brewed at home. With the killing of an unarmed black teenager and the subsequent acquittal of the white police-officer by the courts, the nation exploded. 
Decades of festering racism rose to the top and suddenly we felt proud of our unity. 

Miley Cyrus
From a Disney princess to a Free spirited young lady, she matured real fast. In full glorious view. This year was less about the music too.

Global Warming
With the IPCC  (Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change) warning that we are headed to "severe, pervasive and irreversible" damage from global emissions of CO2, maybe it's time for us to sit up and take notice.

Rosetta
The Rosetta spacecraft's Philae probe successfully lands on Comet 67P, the first time in history that a spacecraft has landed on such an object.

People We'll Miss
Sir Richard Attenborough
Khushwant Singh
Robin Williams
Nadine Gordimer 
Zohra Sehgal
Mae Young
Shirley Temple
Joan Rivers
Magda Olivero
Marinho Chagas
Ruby Dee
Ariel Sharon
Sid Caesar
B. K. S. Iyengar
Archie

As you liked it - January 2015

January 31, 2015, 4:47 am

≫ Next: A post about 4 Videos and 1 hero

≪ Previous: Ze List v3.0

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Wheee!! So that was the first month of the second half of the second decade of the 'twenty-tens'.

We carried over all the 'Obamania' from the last year because, having Obama and his wife over to witness our Soviet-era military parade and carnival-style floats is the breakthrough of the century. Having the 'most powerful man in the world' as chief guest at our Republic Day parade is the sign of our power. Really?!

Nevermind that Obama lost control of the Senate back home, or that he is now seen as a(nother) lame duck president. When Modi called, he came. We rubbed it into Pakistan's and China's face. We wore our hearts on our sleeves and drooled over his gadgets. And typical of us, we bent over backwards to please our guest. Modi's PDA (Public Display of Affection for the uninitiated), his attire and his speeches only made it look hilariously over-the-top.

Mr O came with his 300 bodyguards, chewed his executive gum, drank his Starbucks and promised us $4 billion in aid (read pre-approved loan). I wonder what the fine print is. And I am pretty sure the crooks at the top have already spent most of it in their minds. 

What can the US give us that we don't have already? How can the US help us with something that they themselves have failed in?

But we did make a huge deal about the civilian nuclear deal. Why? Because the Supreme Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America used his executive powers to do that. WOW! How we love the pomp and glory of titles!
And now since Uncle Sam is giving us nuclear power, we are saved!
We can finally breath easy.
How lucky are we!

Meanwhile, Pradhan Mantri Modiji launched a nationwide online programme to check whether people are using toilets as part of his cleanliness drive. Oh and did I say this already, our streets are still far away from any semblance of cleanliness.
Mr Modi's report card so far has been all fluff and not much else. If you want us to vote for you again, here's how your year ahead should look like. Just saying.

But since the good Mr Modi is still on 'Mode Election', like Alexander the Great, he is still out conquering hearts and votes. This time its Delhi. And who else to fight but Arvind

Kejriwal with Kiran Bedi er.. Kiran Didi. At first glance, it is a lop-sided fight. No prizes for guessing, but the battle is long and the stakes are high and it could turn either way. 

An anti-terror mock drill by Surat Police on Wednesday sparked a controversy after a person posing as a terrorist wore a skull cap suggesting that the terrorists belonged to a particular community. Terrific! Just the motivation the goons at ISI needed.

So Pakistan stepped up its post-Christmas/pre-Eid/any-time-of-the-year cross border shelling. And unlike previous years, we gave it back. Yeah!
Because our defence minister told our troops to return fire with fire. Excellent Advice! We will never learn our lessons.

Talking about terrorism, the Information and Broadcasting ministry banned live coverage of anti-terror operations. Saves us the interruption from the inane sitcoms and prime-time reality (drama) shows. 

We went into hyper-paranoia mode after our 'intelligence agencies' got 'reliable intel' that (Pakistani) terrorists will attack us. 

But we 'caught' a Pakistani boat off the Mumbai coast and gave it a proper American-style chase. Until they destroyed themselves and the boat. The BJP and the Congress got into a fistcuff of words. Get a room, guys!

Iranian president Hassan Rouhani decided it was time to come out of detention. After years of economic sanctions and trade embargoes, he appealed to the world (read US) to forgive and forget. And seeing how Uncle Sam is in a forgiving mood, things could get better for the Iranians.

Our desi fighter jet, Tejas, moved another step closer to being inducted when it passed the altitude test trials. Good show!

And things started getting hotter under the collar for the First Son-In-Law of India - Robert Vadra, after the Government of Rajasthan canceled several of his land deals in Bikaner. 

Indian Women: You can kill them when they are unborn, molest and rape them after they are born, try and discourage them from living their potential and even disfigure them. But our women are still the strongest when it comes to steely resolve to live. 

Over a year after Sunanda Pushkar was found dead (in mysterious circumstances!), her famous husband faced the spotlight. After months of (exhaustive!) analysis, it was found that she was killed. Duh! You didn't need all that investigation to say that, I told you that right at the beginning. In India, we are presumed innocent (forever) until proven guiltyonly when the accused is a powerful person in power. 

I can't believe everyone finds Shashi Tharoor's 'remorse' acceptable while we condemned Dr Talwar and his wife because they couldn't express themselves to our satisfaction. Ofcourse, he has promised full cooperation. Why not?! Shashi is guilty but his clout will ensure he will never ever see the insides of a prison. 

Saina Nehwal lost my respect when she demanded that she be given the Padma Bhushan. I would understand if she said she needed an award for winning the Olympic gold, but all she has done is compete in professional tournaments where she gets to keep the money she wins and now she needs one of India's highest civilian awards for that? The fact that many sympathized with her 'predicament' doesn't make this any more acceptable.

I wonder why we are still wasting precious public money trying to prosecute the two Italian marines for shooting and killing Indian fishermen off the Indian coast when we can simply ask Mrs G to mediate and strike a deal? Womano e Mano.

And Uber looked set for a heap of trouble after an Indian court said it would put the case on fast-track and the victim hired Douglas Wigdor, who is listed as one of the Top 100 lawyers in the US, to fight her case. If the company figured (and rightly so) that we will forget all about this over time, then this is a rude awakening that we won't give up that easily. 

Cheers to the brave lady who stood up for herself. But I am beginning to think all this rage is not going to heal her. Sure, this is a crime that deserves the most severe punishment, and I am glad she had the wherewithal to confront the system head-on. I am glad we are all talking about it. But that's all we are ever doing. We forget that for every victim we fete and publicize, there are 49 other women who will be raped and won't get to see a glimmer of justice. 
Maybe you can rape-proof yourself?! 
Or is it because our women are sending out these invisible invites to rape them?

And right this moment, a dozen MMS clips are being uploaded to sleazy newsboards online. Yet, this social experiment proves that not everyone will do enough to stop this from happening. 

After the lunatics at RSS cooked up 'Ghar Wapsi', now we have a muslim freako declaring that Islam is the real religion of all human beings. Something tells me we should not let these people breed.

Across the border, a quaint Chinese town of Harbin hosted the International Ice and Snow Festival. Held annually, crowds throng to see an entire theme park made of ice and snow. 

In precisely 15 days, India and the rest of the subcontinent will face East and pray that we get the World Cup. Yes, it's that time of the year when husbands will pawn their unmentionables away to their wives for a chance to watch their country fight tooth and nail for glory at the ICC World Cup. 

So, tell me this - Why do they call it the World Cup when only 16 countries play it? Gah! 
But if you think India is going to win it, you must not be watching the way we have been playing lately. Who are my favorites? Australia and South Africa.
Maybe Poonam Pandey can open the show this time, er Poonam?

If you are one of the millions who hate Yo Yo Honey Singh, take a number and get in line. Cheers to the poetry.

Or if you are one the millions who is addicted to fb, then here's some reason to rejoice: Very soon facebook will launch a work-friendly version where you will be able to network with people within your company. If WhatsApp and mobile facebook wasn't enough..

The All India Bakchod laughed its way into troubled concoction after airing 'The Roast'. Bad move in a country full of miserable, repressed bastards, who will rather watch the effing shit out of a Sunny Leone movie and enjoy the crass below-the-belt, between-the-crouch'comedy' of Kapil Sharma. Sigh! 

Surviving cancer can be a daunting experience. One of the best adverts I've seen lately. Kudos for capturing the emotions so succinctly.

After an amazing stint at the helm of affairs, ISRO Chairman K Radhakrishnan retired. He leaves behind a legacy that can't be forgotten and as Dr Shailesh Nayak takes over, he has his task cut out. 

Further down South, trouble brewed after embattled former Sri Lankan president Mahinda Rajapaksa's country home was raided after a humiliating loss in recent elections. 
Same story, Different zip code.

My prayers go out to the family and friends of the 36 who died in the New Year eve stampede at Shanghai.
Unfortunately, the Chinese authorities' callous approach to the incident only underscores China's poor human rights track record.

Farewell, RK Laxman. One of my favorite cartoonist and illustrator, India won't be the same without your humor. In his honor, all of my posts this year will be titled 'As you liked it..'

A moment of silence to the cartoonists at Charlie Hebdo. 
While I don't condone the violence, I think we are all being very hypocritical. No one has the right to discriminate or mock anyone else's religion. For years now, the West have poked fun at Islam. Sure, it's all fun and games until it hits closer home. Try mocking Jesus or the Pope and the shit will get real. The Muslims are only doing what the Christians did back in the medieval times. What happened in Paris happens in Pakistan and Afghanistan and Iraq and Israel and Syria every day. I don't see people marching in their millions. 


I see Muslims (in India) being discriminated and looked at with contempt and suspicion everyday. Yet they live their lives with as much dignity and pride as they can. 
Everyone should really calm down now.

Some cartoons that you should be seeing.

And finally, here's some eye-candy. 
Until we meet again..

A post about 4 Videos and 1 hero

February 4, 2015, 11:51 pm

≫ Next: Boys Do Cry!

≪ Previous: As you liked it - January 2015

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The past month has been abuzz with the AIB Roast being banned. 

Now, the video doesn't have anything that we don't already say in real-life to eachother or things that we haven't already thought about in our heads about people. Sure, it has profanities and it probably could have come with a disclaimer:
Not suitable for children below the age of 13 and people with an IQ less than 40. Just saying...

I've got 2 things to tell people who want the video banned: 

1. You don't like it, don't fucking watch it. Close the tab, uninstall the browser, switch off your computer and throw it into the fucking Bay Of Bengal! 
2. If there is something you shouldve realised it is the following: By banning something, you are only propagating it further. 

Oh and guys! While you are at it, here are 4 other videos for your viewing pleasure that you might find delightful. Please go ahead and ban them too.

Now, since we are still talking about amazing videos, here's one that might knock the socks right off your feet. Enjoy!

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Boys Do Cry!

February 19, 2015, 6:58 am

≫ Next: While you were gone: October / November 2013

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This is one advt that deserves a standing ovation!

While you were gone: October / November 2013

November 16, 2013, 1:26 pm

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Sonia is retiring. Boo Yaa! 

Okay, so Obama is the flavor of the year.

Not only did he spare us World War 3 but also saved the billions around the world from financial gloom and doom. The Senate voted to raise the debt ceiling and all is fine and dandy again. Until next year. But now, let's drink to O who's shown the initiative to clean up the mess that his white masters created!
The pure genuineness that is America - the nation of consumers. No credit please?!

Obamacare went live. Why shouldn't it?
NSA - Proof that Uncle Sam loves to read your emails. Well, atleast someone should read those awful Nigerian spams.

Beckham and Malala lost out on the Nobel. What baffles me is the choice.
One is a self-centered celebrity who is well past his sell-by date and the other - a girl whose larger than life persona and courage defies fear. The choice must have been clear but obviously, the Nobel committee couldn't care less.

Our politicians are known for their brain farts, but Kejriwal misses Anna. Aww!!
Somehow Anna reminds me of how Stone Cold Steve Austin came and fought McMahon and then vanished in the good ol' days of WWE.

Sushil Sharma, the star of such shows like 'Haan, Mein hu Congress leader'  and 'Honey, I want to tandoor you' got his life back.
The SC in its infinite wisdom decided that Sushil deserves to live. Next!
Lalu was thrown into prison and into 'relative comfort'. Now, this is how your tax rupees get spent.

So if you can't beat it, ban it. Congress moved to ban opinion polls, because they are unscientific. I agree. There never was anything scientific about the Congress.

Andra continued to cook on slow flame but nature poured cold water and then just like that, we didn't care who got what. We all ran with whatever we had and politicians had a field day bragging. O Shaddup!

A tsunami of a smaller scale hit Japan, just off the Miyagi Perfecture. Perfect!
And when nature isn't killing us, we ran amok anyway. Toll: 89.
Nature - 0. Us - 1

And as the CBI continues to drag the Talwars through the drain-pipes and sewers of the justice system, I wonder if Aarushi would've ever wanted her parents to suffer as much as they already have. The more I read, the stronger I believe they are innocent. They just need Jethmalani.

In God's Own Country, Kerala, political activists stoned, nay threw a stone that found its way to the forehead of its Chief Minister. Witty as they are, the opposition quickly announced the fact that the CM didn't require much medical attention proves that he is thick-skinned. Indeed.
And while we are still talking about skin, Malayalam TV celebrity and movie actress Swetha Menon stirred the hornets nest when she filed allegations of sexual harassment against a sitting MP. Endless montages, live debates and sarcastic innuendos later none's the wiser. Just another day in the life of an Indian woman.

Yes, we are an enchanting land. We are safe as long as you're built like a wrestler, well versed in karate, isn't too fussy about your ablations and carry all your money and valuables inside you and don't mind getting gropped everyday.
For westerners who still think Indians travel by elephants and work as professional snake charmers, do attend the Assam Rape festival. Here's your visa on arrival.
Next on the calendar - The Great Indian Incest fair.

And while we are working on getting more tourists, we also got an arms-laden ship from the US. So someone missed the memo there.

Air India's Dreamliner lost a belly plate enroute. I read the news and I cracked up laughing. How we haven't had a major disaster yet reinforces my belief in the supernatural, given our dismal safety and maintenance records.
But two gruesome accidents in inter-State Volvo buses and suddenly we are blaming Volvo for our human error and greed. We are like this only.
Talking about greed, no we didn't find any gold. But we got punked real nice!

If you thought spiking a drink was criminal, this young lover forced acid down his [former] girlfriend's throat.
Scene Two. A girl paid the ultimate sacrifice for love.
Back at the Capital, a BSP MP's wife was arrested for torturing and killing her maid servant.
Another State, another rape. Where's the honor in raping your own daughter? Congratulations! We are finally insensitive.

And we are many things, but rational? No, being the emotional idiots that we are now famous for, the last fortnight or so has been one big bhajjan for the god of cricket, who famously said he will not retire any time soon just a few months ago.
And thus a nation of foolhardy fools dove head first into the heady pool of sycophancy and our retailers, wholesalers and every swine in between decided to partake of this mind-numbingly boggling event in world history.
That Viswanath Anand loses to Magnus Carlsen or whether Dipika breaks into the top 3 will never matter to us.

Iran appears to be finding favor with the US. And this could be good or bad news, depending on who you ask. Personally, I think their peace is important because that means cheaper fuel bills for us.
Syria, on the other hand, is a gone case.

In this month's 'I have billions to spend' moments,
ISRO notched another brownie point after launching MOM. Your uncle couldn't have done it cheaper.
INS Sunayna was commissioned. Won't change a thing with Pakistan. Doesn't matter to the Chinese. Now can you stop wasting my tax rupees, please?
Modi is going to build the world's largest statue of Sardar Patel. Note to all those cynical Indians who mocked Ambani for building Antila with his own money: Please protest.

And as I draw to the fag end of yet another post, here are some nuggets of wisdom:
Keep the thumping interesting with these golden rules. 
And our actresses do say the darnedest things. 


And the Bollywood cash registers had iffy month. Besharam was an embarrassment and don't even get me started on Krissh 3. Can someone please tell them that they suck.
I've never been a fan of either but I think Krissh 3 is the most atrocious non-porn, non-SRK movie that is running in theaters today.

Story of our times. 
Keep those mails coming. See you all next month!

Guest Post : Romeo & Juliet : Ruined.

December 1, 2013, 1:57 am

≫ Next: While you were gone: November / December 2013

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Project: A lousy adaptation of the Romeo and Juliet.

Title: Goliyon ki raasleela-Ramleela

Disclaimer: The character ‘Ram’ in the movie does in no way portray Lord Ram. No animals were hurt in the making, but we’ll show a dead peacock to tease Salman Khan’s taste buds. Evil Mojojo laugh.

No real women were raped or tortured but we’ll show damsels in distress just so we know that it’s India we are talking about and no Bollywood movie has scored well without a woman being irrationally exploited in public. Like, rapists will defile widows too, so there’s something new to watch.

My chores for the day:

• Sign the most dead actress I’ve seen onscreen who gets ready to do absolutely anything that comes her way for a completely unrelated role in the movie for a dance. An item number. Have her dance to it and annoy my audience. She’s made Pitbull and satisfied him by sitting on his lap but that’s not enough, right?
• Inane looking people with guns in their hands who shoot anyone who gets in their way. Even a little kid who just pees atop a terrace. “Just shoot at him now! Kill him! THROW YOUR EGO AROUND!”
• Song.
• Like every Bollywood movie, we will have a HUGE HOLI celebration! Lots and lots of people will dance in complete synchronization with each other and the air will be coloured in pink and yellow! My lead actress will enter wearing a bra-like something which barely covers anything and MAKE HER RUN. MAKE HER RUN LIKE THOSE BIKINI-CLAD WOMEN IN BAYWATCH! Let her rock that major-Cleave show going on there. She’s done enough by being a party girl in every movie she’s acted in, let me dress her up skimpy in this one too. And NO. Usage of combs is banned in the movie. No.One. Must.Use.Combs. Ram meets Leela, Leela meets Ram. They fall in love. Love at first sight, so romantic. More like LUST at first sight. She must practically seduce him by inhuman bodily gestures, so that at night when he’ll lurk around in her balcony, she can kiss him and almost make love to him.
• Song.
• Ah, my boy, Ranveer. Let’s give him a Greek sculpted body, lips that every woman wants to kiss, strong muscular arms and an oiled up chest FOR NOTHING. Just make him jump around like a monkey from terrace to terrace, hang out with his cheap,low-life friends and throw in some porn videos for him to watch to keep him engaged in his nuisances.
• Song.
• Song.
• Song.
• Song.
• Yet another song, (WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?)
• In every, every damn scene must they almost make love. Just touch each other in places and arouse their audience but.must.not.make.love.
• Must.not.make.love.
• CONTROL.MY.BODILY.FLUIDS.
• MUST.NOT.OGGLE.
• Ooh Ooh! How could I forget!!! The two will run away, rent a sleazy, skeevy-looking hotel room and almost make love. They will get married and just when he puts sindoor in her scalp, they must kiss. Seal the deal with a long sensuous kiss. How about that? Am I not a genius?!
• (Dramatic music in the background and temple bells ringing in the distance)
• Evil Bitch mom strikes!! A loud pompous lady who has her widowed daughter in law take bullets out of husband’s chest with a knife. Every woman, every and every man in her household and under her tyrannous rule must carry weapons. They must show love, pain, sorrow, anger, depression, approval, denial BY SHOOTING THE AIR IN UNISON. Evil Bitch mom dresses up in black, wears heavy jewels, has dreadful bloodshot eyes and manly hands. She must in no way look like woman. Her weakness: Have a child hug her when she’s already caused a lot of collateral damage. Wait. Or I could get some guy to kiss her like Snow Whit was kissed. Way to go, I’m a whizkid with this shit.
• THEY.MUST.SHOOT.RAM.BEFORE.RAAVAN.IS.BURNT. I am going to write a Ramayana of my own *Pretty Soon* and it’s going to be slick.. The UPites will go completely insane, my movie will gain publicity and Romeo can die.
• The title can say an ADAPTATION OF THE ROMEO AND JULIET but not even one scene should really be an adaptation. It’s Bollywood. It’s way past Romeo and Juliet. We’ve come a far way. BUT LET’S FINISH IT THAT WAY. Have Leela lock her room, she has her bullet,he has his. Let them make have one last almost-love-making-session, and kill them off.
• Woohoooooooo! 5 stars! I DID IT! This movie is going to be a sick production. It sure is going to disappoint millions of movie-goers.

The End.

SHOOT

This is a guest post by a budding blogger and avid movie buff - Suparna Havelia.
She describes herself as a very boring person who loves romantic books.

While you were gone: November / December 2013

December 9, 2013, 7:27 am

≫ Next: As you liked it: Feb/Mar 2015

≪ Previous: Guest Post : Romeo & Juliet : Ruined.

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'Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country' - JFK.

RIP Madiba

After years of unabated corruption and an economy that is going south faster than Obama's ratings, our unemployed but immensely talented youngsters are finally taking things into their hands.

ATM heists are passe. We now have our youngsters preying on people using the ATM. Earlier this month, a 'well-built young man..' attacked a bank manager when she was using her bank's ATM. She sustained severe head trauma when he attacked her with a machete. He later robbed her and escaped. Last heard, he is still at large. What surprises me are the following -

1. How is it that CCTV cameras are not monitored real-time?
2. How is it that we can't nab the culprit? Are we that incompetent? Or are we that impotent?

At the wake of this atrocity, the cops in Bangalore did what they normally do when they have a situation they have no idea how to grapple - Shut Down. Thousands of ATMs across the city shuttered and if you wanted to withdraw money, you were screwed.
But then, unlike bars and discos, ATMs are not something you can keep shuttered. So they opened. And we are none the wiser. ATMs still don't have guards and the ones that have, are senile old men on the wrong side of 60 and can't wield a gun, let alone fire one.
Happy International Men's day, anyone?

Israel was in the cross-hairs again. When will we all accept the fact that blaming Israel isn't going to change anything?
But what changed was - We cancelled the VIP helicopter deal. Big Effing Deal!
O knew that his healthcare website would crash. So tell me this. Is there ANYTHING that he hasn't been briefed on?

And if you were in the Subcontinent, you wouldn't have missed the All India All Hail Sachin bhajjan. And in the great Indian tradition of sycophancy, we tripped over eachother to award Sachin the Bharat Ratna. Seriously!
Next year, the Nobel prize.
But wait, Vishwanath Anand lost to Carlson in a rather tame match. Maybe we must stone his house and ask him to retire.

In our 'Crime This Month' section, we have Jyothi's parents raised a petition to have the juve tried under harsher laws. The SC appears to relent too. Don't hold your breath, though.
Tehelka honcho Tarun Tejpal did a Phaneesh Murthy. Epic mistake.
And out tumbled the skeletons. Some really old. How can we condone 'victims' who make a complaint years after the incident?
Across the Atlantic, Rajat Gupta challenged his $13.9 million fine.
Back home, the Talwars paid the ultimate prize for being what they were - Persistent and unrelenting. Never mind the fact that the CBI once told them they were not even suspects, the SC sentenced them to life in prison.Read 'em and weep, fellas.
And Oh! In a few years, we can also watch their ordeal in 30 mm. And why not. It has all the ingredients for a potboiler - Murder, mystery, sex, incompetent authorities, determined (stone-faced) protagonists and a trial by the people.

Pratibha Patel, arguably the worst excuse for a President, returned all official gifts that she got during her infamous tenure at the Rastrapathi Bhavan. What took her so long?

CobraPost did another sting and this time, unearthed an ugly network of IT companies willing to cultivate the social network for the right price. So that explains a lot of things now.
Bitcoin prices surged past the $1000 mark. Yay!
An enterprising Chinese thief sent 11 handwritten pages of phone numbers from an iPhone that he stole to its owner. Respect!
Scotland will finally be an independent country.
And talking about scot-free, Assange may not face any charges in America. If you ask me, Snowden looks more attractive now.
Uncle Sam, the international moral cop, flexed its muscles against China.
Everytime I think about America's diplomacy with the Orient, I remember 'Beijing 2008', a provocative painting which has been the subject of much discussion.

And the people of 'by-two coffee' went gaga when Starbucks opened its signature store in Bangalore. Okay, can we all settle down, please? Blah!
Delhi and 3 other States went to the polls and the AAP and the BJP packed off the Congress in a reply fitting a stray dog waiting to be euthanized. No offense, Priyanka.

In Bollywood news, Sanjay Leela Bhansali proved that even he can make puke colorful.
Ram Leela is the most expensive (and the longest) anti-dandruff/soft-porn/anti-gun propaganda that struggles to sell the Romeo Juliet story. That the couple kill eachother in the end is the only semblance to the 'adaptation'.
The 'romance' resembles lust, carnal lust. Surely, SLB wanted to capitalize on the real-life chemistry and he sure did. But knowing how Deepika is a gold-digger, this is one (more) on-screen chemistry she will regret in the future.
And Priyanka? She really needed the cash, I guess.
Ranveer, you've got potential. Take our advice and don't waste it!
So SLB, I'd give your 'magnum opus' a generous 1 out of 10 and that's only because you've obviously spent millions on sets. Read a more detailed review of Ram Leela by our guest blogger and movie buff Suparna here.

And so its December! The month of lists.
Stay tuned for 'Ze List 3.0'

As you liked it: Feb/Mar 2015

April 4, 2015, 6:03 am

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Over the last couple of months, the sheen has begun to fade off Mr Narendra 'Ironman' Modi. 

Rumblings of a defeat began when they lost Uttar Pradesh. Ofcourse, like the well-oiled PR machine that the BJP has metamorphosed into, the upper crust at BJP claimed the loss didn't really matter and the real test was J&K and Delhi. And so they got just about pass marks in J&K and snubbed so badly in Delhi that Modi is still smarting from his loss. And

what does Modi do when he is down? Well, the same thing that most of us do when we are depressed and need a break - Travel! And boy did he travel! He's spent close to ₹ 380 crores ($ 70 mil) in just 10 months. 

From promising to being a party with accountability and transparency, the swift and ruthless way he and loyalists within the party threw Bhushan and  Yadav is familiar territory for the Indian electorate. Arvind Kejriwal, has become the one-trick pony that most Indian politicians are. From Jayalalitha to Mamata B, feeding the electoral masses with lofty promises of free electricity, water and everything else has become the single best way to get to power and then remain there. And if you don't get to deliver them, you can always blame the opposition and dissidents for err.. well opposing. For Kejriwal (and Modi), life has come full circle. 

How dare Obama talk to us about religious tolerance? We are very tolerant towards Hindus and we love to flaunt that. Unlike in the US, where the government thinks it is against the law to even mention Jesus Christ or anything Christian or where Hindus and Muslims are discriminated against. 
Obama, the Holy Bible says 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Amen to that.

About a year ago, when we were still a Congress-run establishment, I had spoken of how a BJP win will embolden a bunch of idiots to saffronise or otherwise claim India is a Hindu nation. Prediction fulfilled. I think we need to pay for some history lessons here. It is a

terrible terrible thing when politicians dip their fingers and draw lines based on religion and I can't think of a single instance of when dividing a country based on religion has turned out to be a great thing for its people.

But then, we do have some good news  - Like school principals who publish monthly lists of errant students who didn't pay fees, the BJP published yet another list of Indians (and their companies) who stashed away their billions into tax-havens abroad. Before you go checking if your name is on the list or not, relax. By the time you read this, the taxman would have already spoken to your over-paid Auditor and you can pay a nominal million or so to grease the government's palms and legalize this stash. Why the Congress didn't think of this before beats me! 
But if you don't want to pay this 'fine', fine! Allow me to point the sorry case of Mr Sahara to you. 

In other desi Defense news, let's cheer as we fit the newly designed Barak 8 long-range missiles to our destroyers (warships). Designed to track and destroy anti-ship missiles while it is still 70 kms away. As always, Pakistan and China aren't comfortable with this.

And the government ordered a probe against the Coast Guard DIG for claiming to have blown off the Pakistani boat that was intercepted a few weeks ago. #ShootTheMessenger

Our favorite Twiterrati and Mr United Nations guy, Shashi Tharoor got the midnight knock from the coppers. Big Effing Deal! Another palm to be greased and a few more news-reels later, he will walk out of this smelling like roses. Fast-forward a year and he will be walking down the aisle again. Incredible like that!

A Goan minister told nurses who were taking part in a strike to be mindful of the darkening effects of the sun. Hell ya! Maybe he should be handing out Garnier sun blocks too.

As much as we love to ban stuff, we are equally allergic to admitting to our own failures. So while Modi has been promoting 'his' Gujarat to the world, perhaps he must also tell the world that there is an epidemic-like situation in the wake of rapid spread of swine flu. The 350+ who have died may have got their ₹ 5000 in compensation (aka the cost to buy their silence) but this is just the kind of apathy that we are famous for.

If you are one of those with deep pockets, a burning desire to see your name in the media and an itching urge to own the now 'infamous' suit that our benevolent 'outsider' PM wore on the Republic day parade, then you could bid and buy it. Being auctioned for charity, this gets our PM valuable brownie points and he will be hoping this will shut the mouth of his critics.

Our former Prime Minister Mr Manmohan 'Theek Hai' Singh got some reprieve when the Supreme Court stayed the government's summons to testify on a Coal Block allocation scam. I can't believe Mr Singh is innocent as much as I can believe he knows how to be assertive.

Modi accomplished yet another coup de maître when Sri Lanka signed a nuke deal with India, snubbing China.

In an annual tradition of arresting and then releasing fishermen, Pakistan repatriated 173 Indian prisoners. Hey Pakistan! How about not arresting them in the first place?!

And so, we had 'India's Daughter'. A documentary that looks at how our men are raping women and the system that shields the wrong side.
We shouldn't really have banned the documentary. We should have shown it for free, heck we should have made it mandatory for all channels to show it. That way, we could have seen how shoddy the documentary really was. That way, we could have had a rare glimpse into the depraved mind of a rapist. But No!
We went ahead and banned it. Brilliant! The makers of the documentary couldn't have asked for a better way to advertise it. BBC laughed its way to the bank and millions saw the documentary anyway. Chutzpah!

But that didn't stop or deter our men from raping our daughters. 
Take the instance of a girl who was raped and killed in Rohtak. Her half-eaten corpse was found scavenged by nature after man satisfied his sexual urges.
Or the instance where an elderly nun was gang-raped by men within the confines of her convent.

The arm-chair activists and candle-wielding warriors did a retrospect and realised we failed our women. Gee, you think so?!

The others decided to take the law into their own hands. 

Example 1: A mob of thousands dragged an alleged rapist from his prison cell, beat the shit out of him and paraded his naked torn body through the street in Nagaland. Fist bump yeah! Let's all celebrate over champagne at our new found sense of outrage towards men who victimize the women in our country. This from the land where we saw a teenager whose clothes were ripped off her body under the lights of a dozen cellphones. #MisplacedRage
Example 2: A random group of women practice martial arts and self defense and armed with sticks and spirit will protect women in Delhi. Yes, this is exactly what we need. Desi 'Charlie's Angels' and women vigilante groups to protect the rest of us. 

Abroad, the ISIS continues to outsmart and outwit the smartbombs and unusually smart West. Be-headings and burning continue. Amidst all of this, the West's romance with naming random terrorists (and people it doesn't like) continue. We continue to obsess about 'Jihadi John' while thousands are being displaced and hundreds being killed. Which makes me wonder  - No one is really talking about how the West is producing more jihadis. Not so long time ago, the US (and its stooge across the Atlantic) were feeding us with tall tales of how countries like Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan and Pakistan are breeding grounds for terrorists.
Well, Uncle Sam, so is the Great Kingdom of The Queen and The United States of America! Dissent, it seems, starts closer home. 

Another round of plane crashes for you. It might seem like we are having a lot more plane crashes than a few years ago, but I think its just a sign of our times. We are better connected, yet less secure.
 
We had one Thai pilot who saves the lives of hundreds when he crashed his crippled TransAsia plane into a river and another who deliberately killed hundreds abroad when he crashed his Germanwings aircraft into the French Alps. Lufthansa won't have it easy in the months to come. 


In this month's Hypocrite Ahoy!, 
As is customary for armchair activists nowadays, they created online petitions and hashtags to 'fight for justice'. 

Thousands of people took to the streets and vandalized government property when a popular IAS officer was found hanging in his apartment complex in Bangalore. Noble! #DKRavi

An American policeman who brutally attacked and left an Indian man, who was visiting his son in the US, found kinship and we all raised our candles and voices against racism. Great!

Calling all hypocrites: Spare a hash-tag for Chandrabose too. The middle-aged security guard who was run over and brutally killed in broad daylight, details of which will make Salman Khan blush and Uday Hussein gush with pride. 
The culprit: Beedi tycoon and multi-millionaire Muhammed Nisham. 
The reason: The guard took a little longer to open the gates to let him in. Apparently, Mr Nisham is no stranger to breaking the law. He has a dozen or more cases against him in Kerala and Karnataka. His last high-profile brush with the law involved when he let his 9 year old son take the family Ferrari and Range Rover out for a spin. The foolhardy bastard and proud papa that he is, he shot and uploaded a video of this outing online and bang! All outrage and nothing else happened. This case is just another bug in the windshield that is Nisham's life. It's going to take a couple of lakhs but he (like most other Indians in his league) will come out of this smelling fresh, sporting a salt and pepper beard. Easy Queasy.

We, probably are the biggest hypocrites in the planet because we think our Muslims are 'Pakistanis', North East Indians are 'chinkies', South Indians 'Madrasis' and our North Indians 'Biharis'. But when a German professor thinks all Indian men are rapists, all I hear is 'How could they do this to us?'

In this month's DILLIGAF section,

• A WhatsApp picture of a male student lying on the laps of 4 other girl students got the college and the students into hot sambar. Apparently, the moral brigade's spidey sense was sent tingling and they didn't leave a stone unturned in pounding sense into everyone around. 
• Meanwhile a video of a nude woman dancing atop a desk in a police station in Paraguay sparked calls for an investigation. See, if this was in Bangalore / Kerala / Mumbai / Kolkata or Anywhere else in North India, the moral brigade would have burned that district out of the map. 
• But if you are a woman in Saudi Arabia, here's another thing you should be careful about: Don't let your steam off on WhatsApp. It could land you trouble like this young lady discovered.
• We had Rakhi Sawant declaring her undying love for Virat Kohli. This is called Optimism. I think she stands a better chance with Bobby Darling. Now that is a match made in heaven. She is a certified nut-job and Bobby Darling, well is,  Bobby Darling.
• After winning yet another term into office, Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu got a stern yet sugar-coated threat from Uncle Sam. 
• A hidden cam in a clothing store landed Fab India in fab trouble, after Union HRD minister Irani Smriti discovered the camera in a ladies trial room. Ms Smriti, we understand you are outraged but this isn't new. Google for hidden camera MMS and you'll be inundated with videos of women who have been recorded changing their clothes, having sex, answering nature's call and every possible act that a voyeur could ask for. If you really want to rid the society of this scourge, then delve into the reasons why men do this in millions of stores/homes and workplaces.  Or you could say DILLIGAF.
• And if you are a Hindu mother, and you thought BJP MP Sakshi Maharaj was right when he said you should achieve your quota of producing 4 children each, then relax. RSS pipsqueak Mohan Bhagwat has rebuffed the order. You can continue to produce as many as you want. If you ask me, our Hindu leaders are secretly envious of Muslim families that believe in large families, but they won't be caught dead admitting it. Hypocrisy, anyone?
• We want western tourists to come and spend their dollars and rubles here. But don't party. And if you party, we will pull out our camcorders and record you for our personal titillation. Incredible India!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the super-rich 'Crusaders of Christ'.

Saving the best for last, 
Indian Cricket - Ah yes, that one sport our quasi-sporting nation encourages, embraces and worships. With the Cricket World Cup that had about a dozen teams battled out. Yes, I'll call it a battle even though it resembled more like a bully storming through some scrawny kids in a playground.
The Indian team, decided to stay back in Australia after a disastrous tour there. Good point. No reason to come to India after a debacle like that, right? And so they went into the tournament as former Champions and current under-dogs (read Write-Offs). They play a few matches against low-rung teams like Pakistan and such and win! That's right! They won! They really did win! Hurray! And they reach the semi-finals and that's where they meet the only team that really mattered  - Australia. Well by now we, loyal Indian cricket fans, have all but forgotten the disastrous India Tour of Australia 2014-15 and decided to book the entire stadium in Sydney. Yes, because we are that forgiving! 
India stood still. Not a single patriotic Indian (except for the ones protecting our porous borders) stirred. And India went to the crease first. And the top order fell fast and frequent like dominos on speed. 
Maybe we had to remind them that this was the do or die match. 
Maybe we had to remind them that this was a one-dayer and not a test. 
Maybe we had to remind ourselves that they aren't as good as we are told to believe. 
Did you even see the scorecard? Barring the Captain, none of the others scored above 50 runs. Compare that to the Aussies and you'll begin to see why we are just a mediocre team with an exceptional PR team. 
Back home, next-gen fans began to console themselves and their cricketing idols that this is okay. 'You are allowed to lose', they said, 'after winning so many matches, we are okay with you losing'. How benevolent of us! 
Reminds me of how I used to score 100/100 in drawing, arts & craft, moral science and PT but if I didn't score 60 and above in Math, Science and other subjects, it didn't matter how I did in anything else, would it? Ditto. 
But we still got a scapegoat to blame  - Enter Anushka Sharma. Bad choice or Wrong timing or both? Maybe we lost because Poonam Pandhey didn't offer to strip this time. Thank God its over just in time for IPL.  

Indian Badminton - Saina climbed to the top of the Badminton world which was dominated by the nimble Chinese. She was ranked # 1 even though she lost to Carolina Marin in the All England Series. Climbing to the top of the rankings is no mean effort, and what we lack in consistency we make up in sheer numbers and good PR. Star Sports has been looping a series appropriately titled 'Saina's climb to the top'. Great! She'll use this to demand she be awarded the Bharat Ratna this year.

And in closing, here's a story (with some modifications) that has been doing the rounds since the last many years

Original Story:
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and
laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool

and laughs dances plays the summer away. Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Indian Version:
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs dances plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, CNN , Asianet show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
The World is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

• Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.
• Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter .
• Mayawati states this as 'injustice' done on Minorities.
• The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper
• CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers.
• Railway minister allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.
• Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the 'Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act'[POTAGA] , with effect from the beginning of the winter..
• Education minister makes 'Special Reservation' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions in Government Services.
• The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, it's home is confiscated by Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV, BBC, CNN.
• Arundhati Roy calls it 'A Triumph of Justice'.
• Railway minister calls it 'Socialistic Justice'.
• CPM calls it 'Revolutionary Resurgence of Downtrodden'

Many years later...
The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley, 100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India.
And that's why India is still a developing country...!!

And finally, here's Deepika Padukone with yet another rant on behalf of women everywhere (yawn). Apparently, the lass is bent upon staying relevant whether she has movies or not. Can someone please tell her to STFU.